2004-02-14 - 8:43 p.m.

it's amazing the investment i melted into M.

he still hadn't caLLED. then tonight at 7.30 he calls, and said the only acceptable thing he could say, that he's going thro some stuff and he was too bummed and didn't want to drag me into it. but he didn't want to just not call. i told him that i have a lot of capacity and am not fair weather and he was relieved with that.

i like him. it's odd. i've gotten all spun out. but at least now i know it was ligit. but now what? he's calling me back, someone else called thro and i wish i knew who it was. irritating. he made a casual pass saying, wanna hang out, but for some reason we glazed over it and i've said i'm going to these parties. i like smelling like peppermint.

i want to be with him. but i'm so scared to open up at all. i want to run. but i feel like if i run, i'll seriously .

ooo boy. he told me what was going on and i FUCKING KNEW IT. i told lizard, it's about his x she said i was paranoid.

it was about her

she was in town this week, beggin to spend time w/ him and then she slept with his friend.

so he blew me off all week to entertain her, even tho they only spent time friday upon which that night she slept with someone else. apparently they weren't, he and her, physical.

he's scrambling a bit to convince me to stay. but i'm fuckin miffed. last night i had some compassion.. but not fuckin today.

today all i see is that he blew me off for some twerp chic drama fuckin hog. puuulleeezz. it all reverberates of extreme immaturity and drama.

and i'm pissed that he entertained idea's of her instead of fucking showing up for our new thing. i'm fuckin pissed. he said he wants to air it out today, tomorrow. i told him last night i wanted to say hi and bye, closuresque and he refused to let me slam it like that .

it's very fucking irratating. and i was honest with him, since we were laying it all down, about my attraction to the unavail in the extreme. ben, i liked cuz he lived in london and was too young!! how much more impossible could i get?? then i keep on doing this very painful lesson.

I'M FUCKIN DONE.

i'm done.

it's just that clear. done trying to convince someone impossible to show up. inside i've primally thought that if i could convert someone, then i'll fill up that gapping hole. but i'm fucking done. if he was terribly avail, i'm not sure i would of even seen him in front of me. i ever have.

last night i went to the first party feeling extrodinarily frisky and rebellious. someone brought me a drink offered all kinds of drugs, and by some string i held on. i turned it into my own personal high. lizard talked to me on my cell, telilng me that at the very least pls don't drink for her, that she would be devastated. and the way i care about her, it was the thread that i held on by. it was the reason.

i walked into the party with full devious sight. it was a large, elegant spanish style house in the hills. filled with gowns, grace and phenominal art. i spotted a hot woman, we held eachothers stare. she came right up to me. we chatted. flirted. light touches. then at the end of the night i walked near her pointed to her and nudged her over. we exchanged numbers. it was intoxicating. the suspense. the power.

then i went to a younger art party at some lofts Downtown. it was colorful, red's teddy bears hanging at the neck by a noose, hearts with pins stuck thro, poems with broken hearts on the wall. my kind of diggs. i fucked with a 25 year old tool. i danced with my very stoned friend. watching. i swayed away. i took some DT photo shots.

at the head of the night i swung by k-town (korea town for my nyc contingency) to pick up my custom buttons. they are fuckin rad. and through k there is also a latin influence competeing for neon race space. there was this amazing drunk latin man that jumped into the street, shirtless, shoeless maybe, with a godzilla look of rage and sadness on his face. arms errupting at the joints into the sky like an angry jesus. he stopped some traffic. it completely made my night. he physically articulated exactly how i was feeling.

i was tempted to pull over and sneak into all these ultra local spanish bars and photograph and memorize everything. every nod and dimmly lit insinuation. i wanted to be lost in the folds of the night. i wanted to be hidden within.

so. darlings. shall we? i think we are about to have ourselves a little adventure with this new feline. i think she is turkish and pure inebriation.