2004-02-14 - 3:32 a.m.

i've had these sensations to cause trouble and yet the refinement inside, the inability to merge with someone i don't respect, has taken charge.

i think you know that sometimes i like to drive on the freeway with my eye's closed. late at night, maybe not a lot of cars, but speed up and close my eyes for challengingly long moments. it brings a slight edge of intoxication to me. a rebellion i need inside.

so i met a male artist friend at a dinner party of a woman that looks like charlise theron. i ate lamb and got henna painted around my arm. the host was quite forward about her sexuality towards me and i'm sure others as well. she was adequate, but again, i couldn't find enough respect for her to be attracted. my friend offered me 'x'. i said maybe tomorrow night. he wants to sleep with me. i don't want to sleep with him. he looks like a turtle to me. even tho i know he's well endowed. the dinner party had rich tapestries. an apartment in westwood. ornamental fixtures dripped in gold. everyone shoeless. the man elegant and almost gay. fluid. one older woman couldn't find it in her to remember how to walk. everyone had a tense air of some tight bubble of menage a toi about to burst. my friend said they used to smoke opium in front of the fireplace and had mad sex. oils, and candles and colored silk fabric on lights. this woman creates a scene.

then i met the bird at a very decked jparty of this millionaire who sold somehting to microsoft. the pad was undescribable. the view, 360 degree's of LA. the resevior, the city, the lights, a hill. a pool at the top of a house climbing up the hill. modern furniture. the owner and i chatted a bit. he's tolerable. i'm told he's a sexual deviant. i fucked with two twenty five year old actors at the party. just talking, but messed with them a bit. it's my own andy kaufman style inside joke tthat only i know. and i'm constantly playing it out. like a thread i'm pulling from wool.

then the bird and i went to fred 66 and we had a tuna melt, finally, and maco-cheese.

i'm tired. i'm not as funky as before. i feel like i have some of my power back. tomorrow?

tomorrow and tomorrow.

i'm still not convinced that i even exhist.

and certainly how can you be? you've never even met me.