2004-02-13 - 9:16 p.m.

there certainly are good things going on.

on the outside, maybe? news that should perk me right up out of this momentary lethargy.

i just don't know.

my friend wants to pay me to do a highdef low budget film and it's excited. and i can't get out of this quicksand taking me so desperately down.

i'm drowning in it. all i want to do is smoke and find a way to run away. i'm on the breast of drinking myself into oblivion. i'm "depressed"? and at the same time lizard and i are talking about how in a few days i'll feel differently and how glad i'll be that i didn't down myself. drown. so deep into the soil of this earth and grind myself away.

life. does it no longer thrill me? i've got oodles of social action tonight and i can't fucking care. the only thread holding me on, is a piece of iron stubborness, so competitive spirit to show up for this business i'm creating and i know if i drink i'll tank it completely. so i'm trying to stay here now. so that i can at least see how far i take that.

and no the grass is never greener. if i were in a relationship surely i'd be judging it, judgin him and/or fighting with him.

and i'm thoroughly crushed that M hasn't asked me out for tomorrow night.

so i'm off for the evening i ll let you know what transpires. if i cause lots of trouble.