2004-02-13 - 1:57 a.m.

my dad really fired me up about my bizness stuff. he wants me to make it real, and write a biz plan and get a registered name and biz account etc. i'm scared. but what the hell. why now see how far i can take this baby?

i was PISSED OFF TONIGHT. this very new friend, who also does some similar work, way less rearing at the gate tho, was thumbing throu all my stuff, asking very specific 'i'm trying to copy you' questions. i wish i didn't leave all my fucking core idea's out like that. i'm pissed she wasn't meant to come over. i dont trust her for shit. and she and another grl are trying to make stuff and i felt fucking offended when she was going through my stuff and asking me questions. it just lights more fire to get there quickly and to get a little more fierce.

that competitive spirit. it just sucks, that feeling that at any moment someone is pumping to rip you off. it seems that this biz is built on it. that was the most invasive sensation, like someone was reading a private diary and i felt like i was a bitch to feel uncomfortable with it.

m emailed at the end of the day and i never responded. i just am NOT INTO making it that easy for him to access me. he can pick up the phone and make an effort. my guy friend tonight says i'm putting too much on it, making it heavy. that's cuz to him i verbalized all my craziness. but i know m must be able to feel it from me. and he still hasn't asked me out.

and this friend i went out with tonight..he'd, once again, be someone who would open up and take it to a deep level and yet i'm not feeling ready for that, or attracted to him. like i revel in the guy that there is no threat of that, but then i'm mystified and devestated when i feel rejected by where they are at. i suppose. fuckin anaylzing.

the more my mind spins on it, the more i jsut want to throw it all into my work and forget it all. just get so busy over here and believe that i'll magically change and it will all shuffle itself out on it's own.

i need to learn to let people love me. i need to learn to let someone physically love me and touch me and not hate my body so much or be so afraid that they are judging it or else i might as well drink into oblivion the way i like.

i'm smoked way too many cigarettes tonight, so much for yoga in the a.m. and i've eaten too many of those vanilla cookies from italy that remind me of the animal cookies of my tattered youth.

i want to read and write a story. i feel like i just want to be fuckin left alone to read and write. but then there's this part of me that wants to join with another. wants to watch movies snuggled up and have sex and touch and be. but when i did that with luke for instance, it took up all my space and energy and it got dramatic and irritating certainly.

this fierce loner. and this need to join.

competing within me to be the king of the hill.