2004-02-04 - 11:02 p.m.

my plane burst through the blanketing layer of clouds and a thrust of sun warmed my face for the first time in six days and i almost started to cry. i've never cherished coming home quite like i did today. i love LA. good bad and terribly plastic perfect, i love my home. flying over the crystal blue green ocean with bunches of burnt red sea bushes and white waves and miles of houses with gem like torquise pools.

i'm still crushing on the M. the new one. he called tonight and was on it that i was home. i called back too late i guess :( i really wanted to see him tonight and my week is insane. i can't wait to sleep with him. it's all ican afford to think about. here's the amazing news, i did tweek on him my whole trip, i barely mentioned him. much. but i was into my thing and into where i was at.

seattle was thick. vancouver was amazing. fucking beautiful city, one of the top 9 most beautiful cities i've ever seen. and in the top 3 nicest human beings in any city i've ever been. my couz and i had the best meal, caught a club a little late and shook it around canadian bacon style.

i got into 4 stores with potential for more. her and i got in an outrageous arguement on our drive home. i've never fought with someone just like myself. it was fucking frightening. and i got fatalistic fast. cuz she said the key word i hate to hear 'i've never fought with anyone like this, w/ the exception of my husband'. that triggered me to think i'm just not fit for the world. i'm a bull. i'm a dragon. i'm defunct. i felt too broken, the fissure too deep. i sat in the back of her vw van tapping my foot and going places in my mind no one should so easily go. i got lost in a strange and dark tunnel. to be sure, i don't want to ever be under such clouds for such extended periods of time again. i'm not suited for it i suppose. we made up and got what she called real intimate. it's hard for me to let in any sensations that i am loved. i never believe it. who could behind such iron fencing and boxing gloves. it was extremely draining. i think i need to get back into therapy.

i'm really excited about the store orders. i'm shocked and wierded on it. and now i actually have to do the work and deliver on them. i feel like i'm blindly walking into this lead by my extreme fantasy and naivety. and it may just save me.

oh appologies for my years of canadian jokes. i think you people are nothing but fucking stellar. nothing but the fucking best, and i'd go to bat for you under any fire.

i hope you are well.

did you miss me?