2004-02-07 - 7:04 p.m.

i'm feeling v ery sad.

i think seven months later, it is now settling , or fighting to settle into me, that my grandmother is gone. and there is no reconciling that.

in other news, my sweat shop idea didn't work out so good. i hired my cleaning lady to cut some of my products and i'd say i have to toss 70% of them. what a riot. i paid her well and supplied her with fine italianio roast.

now i have to pay a little more for a friend to catch me up. what a fucking drag.

i'm really crushed. i can't even begin to articulate it. it's the gramma stuff and theres this undying sensation that nothing and no one can fix it. there's no one i can confide in that will make it feel better. and lizard is out this week and that's been stretching me.

and i want to go buy choco milk and cigarrettes to help ease this sensation. i'm just not a big enough grl to sit thro it.

and then i have to pretty myself and rush off to an art opening,i'm mtg some friend and a biz contact from nyc there, whom i don't know well, so that's a bit anxiety enducing. but at least it will be eased by the social nature of the spot. ei. i can wisk away looking at the art and not be force fed socialization of which i'm too numb to provide much more than bullshit nods cured to a hammy cue.

i feel like staying home all night and writing and smoking and crying and reading. god damn it.

and tomorrow is the most god forsaken work day. on sunday. and i worked most of today. tomorrow i have six hours of client work. and then i have my date with m. god damn, i wanted to be fresh and perky, and i don't know what i'll be.

today we talked and i choose to just be a bit honest. life's too short to falisfy this short experience, if he can't hack it, then get the fuck off my boat. basically i was just a bit honest about being crushed about my grandma.

no one can fix this. i can't just call her and get solace. and get safety and comfort. she was second in command on this ship. she raised me. i'm so done.

i'm just so done. so fucking done.

this part i'm just not at all prepared for or adjusted to. and i don't know how to reconcile it or god forbid accept it. i don't want to fuckin accept it. i've just been turning a blind eye, pretending subconsciously that it's been a damn long time since i've gotten a chance to catch up with her. i've turned myself away and fuck you for saying i can still talk to her. i'm not some fuck off other side bullshit believer. this is all i know. and she disappeared somewhere and i don't understand where.

honestly, do i even exhist? is there really* any proof?

i'm nihilist dear reader, so you don't have to be.