2004-01-30 - 1:13 a.m.

i

am

so

vucked.

holy shit.

holy shyte.

shit shit shit shit shit shit shit.

i'll preface with this. i'm always excited at first.

but this . this is the way i've wanted to feel about someone. this is the way one should feel about someone.

i went out with a new guy. this is someone i thought was a kook, cuz he's young. works at a hollywood place and was rolling in a big car the night i met him. so i semi wrote him off, and thank god i didn't totally write him off. cuz he's fucking adorable. and humble and liberal and sexy as fucking hell.

he made this sweet suddle noise when we kissed that just drove me out of here. and his lips and chin and hair and heighth and body and he drives a volvo. which i fuckin think is aadorable. and he surfs and he's really smart and funny and witty and down to earth and open and well traveled.

i wish he was a little older. i don't want to get involved again with someone who still needs to 'figure it out.' he's someone i could, shit i feel like i already have, lost my shit over. i feel like i'm sold already. and he was saying, so what's the catch and why don't i have a bf. like he's trying to figure out whats wrong with me, as i am with him. cuz it feels too good to be true and i feel already challenged and insecure. he's 25. i'm 28.

wow. wow. i amjust blown away. i can't wait to see if this fades. if it goes away. if there is some unbearable addiction or fault or wall.

what if i'm the wall.

what if the only wall is the one within me?

and i leave tomorrow a.m. it makes everything more punctuated.

the last time i went to seattle i was allll spun on the 23 yr old luke. and i gabbed my grls ear off. fuck that. i don't want to talk anymore. and i'm so scared to have someone threaten that tender spot inside, that i feel like getting rebellious and meeting someone up there, kissing a grl in particular.

by the way nyc and i went for coffee. it totally deflated all the power. it's all back down to earth for me. i don't really care anymore. i'm not within his grip. he spent about 55% of the time talking about some swedish model who knows madonna and has such trouble being seen past her beauty and how they really connected. pullleezz. i hope they get married and have cute lill brats that wrinkle them like all of us succomb. kidding. he's more grounded, but he just hasn't changed that much. but i was solid.

god damn. i want more of that guy. let's call him M. god damn M. he's the first guy i've wanted to stay over and never leave. with the others lately, when they stayed over, i felt like i wanted to purge. nautious and impeeded upon.

M is totally quality. and i feel so embarrased. i'm SUCH A FOOL. we went bowling and i fucking fell on my ass after i threw the ball. and not in a really cute way, just in a holy fuck way. then when i kiss someone new i get shy giggles, like retard. and it throws people off. like what is she laughing at. i think i jsut get enthusiastic. does ANYONE relate? or am i really unstable?

great so now the whole week, all i'll think about is him. arrrrrrggg. he's so sweet. but this'll be a great test. to see if i can keep the focus through a major fucking crush. i'm crushing right now.

i need a sexy seattle style woman to rock it with a day or two.

by the way, i'm leaving for seattle tomorrow at 7 a.m. then my couz and i will drive to vancouver. i'm going to shop some of my shit in stores and i'm terrified.

that multi billionaire wont' invest, ps. cuz he's a control freeek.

but, best news is that i got in my first store in venice!! fucking ripped. wow. it's just silly and it's meaningless. all of it.

do we even really exhist?