2004-01-21 - 11:25 p.m.

i'm feeling all blown out.

good and plenty.

i bought the car. it's a five year fuck me loan. and i like the auto a lot. i've got to name it. not sure if its a her or him. feeling its a him. or a wise woman. midnight blue. turbo. i'm such a driver. i insisted. my great grandad was a indy racer in the 40's, it's pulsating through my curvatious blood.

nyc hasn't toiled in my trouble yet. hasn't even called again. what a fUCKING FAIR WEATHER FRIEND. WHAT A CUNT. he's on the list. he's demoted from the inner list to the social only list.

my aunt wants to fly me to seattle for some r and r. and i feel awkward accepting, but FUCK YEAH NIGGA. bone me up there. let's do this thing. my work won't even know cuz i mostly tele commute. i love technology. i'm a tech terror.

i had mad nerves last night cuz i had to do the car deal today and i stayed up late creating things and had funnn. smoking and painting and jacking shit up. there's spray paint everywhere.

and then my fucking dead beat dad dread head neighbor kept me up fucking some young gun at 3am, 4am 5.30am. can't once be enough? i'm beginning to think he switched his drug of choice. fuck. if he does it again tonight, i'm gonna have to sleep on my futon in the other room. kicked out of my own bed.

i'm happy again and feel like i have no right. my dad and i are at a small scale war. and i'm suppoosed to be learning my lesson. was partial suicidal tendencies lesson enough? is that enough selfpunishment? can i

just

let

go

now

and be here in this caotic,

changing world in the thick,

soaking in the vibration of it's center and it's spinning dozens of humans skattering across it's top.

yes. that's where i'll be.