2004-01-17 - 1:45 a.m.

so it got worse.

today after all this collapsing info, i bumped a bumper of some white trash in a red corvette and begged, pleaded, it wasn't even my car i was driving, i don't have a car, and my insurance is sure to triple. he kept saying he wasn't going to chicken shit me. which i can't find a direct translation on. but he basically is going to rape me for every dime he can. i asked him to pull over so i could take a picture of the bumper with the ever so fuckin minor scratch and while i was buying a camera the assfuck cunt drove off! so let's take a talley, shall we folks?

i have two pricks on my ass collecting as much funds out of me as the can ring out.

i have insurance that claims i was dropped at the first said ass collecting.

my car is junked, melted, kaput.

i'm still paying a year of that loan for two cars that are now gonna be junked,

i'm about to enter into another loan or used car situation on top of all of this.

and i can't even begin to ponder what fucking car to fuck myself with next.

and i'm beating myself up. a lot. and i'm sure gaining weight and wrinkling myself some goooood extra two years.

and WHAT what the fuck am i supposed to be learning from this?

my brothers doing evening and a.m. has she offed herself phone check in's. where as my dad said, just deal with it and let me know what you do. nice. support. wonder where i ever got the sensation of feeling alone across so many several states.

and lizard is being a star letting me borrow her car. and xtina's gonna shop with me tomorrow, i hope. but it all feels so overwhelming. i don't want to strain myself with more loans, and i don't want to be writing some mammoth check each month, while despizing what i drive. if i'm gonna fork over, i want some pleasure. and i want a vintage again. which is so out of the question, everyone would murder me. but at this point, at least i could afford it. just not the repairs. i feel cornered.

i haven't dranken yet. i havent' huffed, puffed or barfed.

i haven't even gotten violent on anyone. but i don't exactly know what to do. there is a valve, like a lid closing above me, containing all this, and i don't know how it'll all let go. i just don't know. i just want to feel at least right or certain, or lead to or confident about the next car i buy. i want to feel like i'm not doing it out of ego like my last cuz i care so much what everyone thinks of me. i want to do the right thing and not fuck myself. and i feel like i'm being punished for playing too hard, running too hard, running everything including my car into the ground. i feel like life is revoking me for trying 'to pull it all off'. i really need some good luck right now. i really need some kindness and the odd part is that all i feel from most everyone but my brother and lizard is tough love, hard words or none at all.