2004-01-16 - 12:51 a.m.

um yeah.

i've cracked.

the damage turns out to be the worst case senario. does this sound vaguely familiar to any of you old school loyal readers? remember the strip bar, the bad bad news? the 12,000$ damage? i want to drive it into the fucking ocean and claim insanity. and on top of it i'm getting chased after for cash becuz a brand new white mercedes hit me in the parking lot last summer and my insurance said i had a laps in coverage at the time. are you fucking kidding me?. i'm so overwhelmed. i have to junk my car, second time i've had to do this. right at this moment, i'm beginning to wonder if someone out there secretly stalks and dispizes me and punctures my oil filters and reeks ridiculous havok on my ass. cuz this is the worst, and its the second time it's happened in a few years. i'm still STILL paying off the first time. for a whole nuther year. and now i have to hope to get a loan on another car, this time even less glamorous.

i want a hybrid and that's a stretch at this point. i

i feel hopeless.

i feel like drinking. but i'd all but drinking myself to death, without any false illusions of socialiting. that would be it, for pure escape and for some ending to this unbearable moment. i was so happy previous to this. flyin high. now i'm crushed to a pulp. i'm flattened and it's just the beginning of the nightmare. now i have to actually DEAL WITH THIS.

my car is my independence and security. now the best i can hope for is to throw thick oil in it to keep it running long enough and trade it in at a dealership, to get raped and hope to walk away with something bareable. and that is if they think it's still working. keep in mind, i used to have a vintage porsche. now i'll have a true jallopy. what happened?