2004-01-15 - 3:57 a.m.

well that was just about as fucked as it could be.

i had a premonition yesterday passing by the rent-a-wreck car place. i thought, my car will fail soon.

and tonight, one day later ... it did.

lucky nyc's don't deal with this shyte.

i've paid off one failed engine, one trans, one clutch some shit belt stuff. i'm fucking done.

done.

done.

i MUST of been a car robber in a past life.

and it's all so LA.

lizard and i are waiting circa 3am at the ghetto 7-11 in hollywood and four, four escalades stop by sev in the 20 min wait. i thought it was a fucking j-low convention. then the homeless man, draped in army bustle royal blue blankets and a white santa beard stops by to merrily announce that its better to have a mechanic in the family than a doctor these days. and fuck all, i relate.

the club sucked too. it was all the same people from tues and last wednesday. it's like a fucking circuit. it's fun for about a month, and then the small world starts closing in and the undeniable realization that it's like highschool all over again settles in. LA is a big city with very small circles.

i saw the hot guy that had finally called. and i played it cool, maybe too much so cuz he found it in him to flirt with my friend and some blond who was pissed when he walked us to our car. so i think he plays a bit hard for my game. and all i wanted with him was to play a little, but i don't appreciate having to work that hard.

so nyc called today and said he'd be back late tonight. he was playing it mello, saying oh i have a lot of people to call, gotta go. wishing me a happy new year. let's get together this week. i'm sure he's lining everyone up. he's such a worker. such a bee.

damn, our tow truck driver probably has more hootzpa and sweetness and character than any of the wizards and dollar dripping guys liz and i date combined. but becuz where he grew up, or was born into, he won't have the same chances these white boys had. he grew up in south central, that's the hood ya'll. he works from 6pm-4am then gets' up at 7 am for school until 1pm. hard working. and for what? to end up being a mechanic. he was a kind young man. my age. and all i do is party and enjoy and do yoga and complain about the long work day i had. nine clients. that is a lot, but it's nothing compared to what he pulls day in and day out. then i look at another friend of mine who lives off a trust and flys around the world and doesn't work, never has worked a day. there's so many ways to live a life. and some of which we never had a chance to choose.

it's a strange sensation i've always had inside, this difference of the 'stratisphere'. i settle, jogging between the two. flying high, but actually surviving check to check. 200$ sunglasses and no savings.

oh, by the way. earlier this evening i had sex with my ex, the crazy surfer.

twice.

it was good. we went to a mtg together for the first time. he was incredible sexy and put together. actually serene and sane seeming. kind even. and he wanted to see my new piece i did and we discussed and rolled around. i was turned on cuz he acted like he didn't care, like he wasn't jonesing for it, i love sexual challenge. but he says i kiss too hard. now fuck. i'm getting this alot. that luke said i had sex too hard. nyc said i kiss too hard. what a bunch of pussy's, right spanklin? come on. okay i guess i need a little more tender and a little less german or something. i'm jsut..i don't know...rough? overly-caffienated? does anyone like it rough? am i alone in this? sometimes i like tenderness, in between the rough.

anyway. i'm mtg the guy who tracked me down tomorrow, but i need to make it later seeing as how it's 4.30am.

i have vehicular issues. big cunt like metalic vehicular issues. and i'm fucking pissed cuz it's going to break me.