2004-01-05 - 11:58 p.m.

god damn i say. god damn.

i get such a fuckin thrill from meeting a new guy. and i have called my mom or told lizard about three dozen "the ones". it's embarrassing. i can't do it anymore, but i just get so excitable and premature. i'm in love with all of the magical possiblilities. some day i'll grow up. i promise.

so i'm on day two of the fast. appologies if my thoughts don't coagulate.

the fuckin silencing was amazing yesterday and part of today. everything else got so specific and i saw how many impulse's i have. how i'm owned by them. habitual impulses that i live off of. as simple as a dependency on sound in the bg. on a constant influx of stimuli. i'm high as a kite from this fasting shit. dizzy for two days. i'm doing juice and vitamins tho. and water.

but i can't find my tampon. just between you and me. i'm a bit batty, cuz i can't remember taking it out! now that's a good friend, one that i can talk to about enema's and diving for lost tampons. i did that once with ben-waa balls. lost 'em i did. i was driving on a road trip, got borred and was practicing muscle control and just couldn't find the fuckers. see they work against gravity, when your sitting you have none. it's like a big black hole.

i'm dillirious. so i'll eat tomorrow. god damn.

i'm so behind on my work, it's chizzy.

tomorrrow i need to be able to function and get work done and feel good about all of this. god damn. that guy i just talked to and am vibbin on is now on my brain. i like him. what i know so far anyway.

but i am trying not to meet anyone remember.

will i ever learn? are we even ment to learn? do we stop learning when our brain stops growing at the age of 21?