2004-01-01 - 4:22 a.m.

new years wasn't exactly what i'd expect, and luckily i trained myself not to expect anything.

lizard and i went to a frenchy resteraunt in venice and had a great time with a small crew.

and here's where it all went wrong. lizard's friend, who is the daughter of an important person from peru/rome, decides that she and some o.c. chic need to be en-tow. i like the girl but she is a fucking princess. now my girl lizard is about all the amount of princess i can take. and this girl goes well beyond her. she dressed herself like we were going to prom with a silk wrap. anyway. she's fine if we go to a put together resteraunt and end it there. but we go to a hollywood party where it seemed to be tatTo required and she wouldn't even go inside. spent an hour at the patio freezing. so we leave and go to this party downtown, and it was an adventure trying to find it past oodles of skid rowers and piggo's. i'm perpetually intrigued and stimulated and strangely at home in downtown, but i can briefly see it through others eyes as well.

we find the spot, it's 2 am and the spots just starting to kick. 30 fucking minute's later, jsut as i'm closing in on the hot tall doll, she wants to fucking leave. the party was the best of the entire year. of five years. lizard and i were gasping at the sheer quantity of juicy dolls. it was fucking ridiculous. i'm appalled. and LA isn't a town that you send someone off in a cab from downtown. there aren't any. and she's not from here and it takes so long getting across town. i was tee-d off. point of story never take a princess underground.

she shanked me hard. and i could barely hide my contempt.

anyway. there will be more, as there always is. tonight hardly felt specific. as in, a new year being wrought in. it felt like any other, with a few sprinkles on top.

dinner was fun. i got high on the balloon hellium, speaking alien.

i spent $200 on vitamins today, cuz i now think 'that'll be the answer'. hahaha. willing to give anything a try to make me thinner & wrinkle free. so i'm going raw on the 2nd and going on a silencing fast for two days. we'll see if that lasts!

resolution? i told the table tonight that this was the year i'd attempt to grow up, with out growing up. it made sense at the time.

really, my rez is to put myself first, and the creations first. that's it. simple. to totally focus and show myself. that has been building inside for a while.

man, tonight i just had an absolute craving to grab some guy into the bathroom and push him against the wall and make out. then walk away. earlier i thought it'd be nice to kiss a nice feline, but there were so many hot guys. damn. damn. damn. lizard says i'm just like a guy. i've got the whole place scaled and i'm working a few at a time. isn't everyone like that? it's compulsive. enjoyable. addictive. that fucking party is still beating on with out me causing caos. happy new years.

i'm feeling like i can't *possibly* be convinced to meet and greet, date and relate. but i would like to have random makeout sessions, names optional. that's exactly what i need. just raw, pure. just kissing. that's mostly enough. just the taste and adventure of someone. blowing their mind, stroking their hair, becoming intimate for an instant, than letting it rise away like smoke tangling up the air. touching lips, exploring the lines, looking in the eyes, becoming urgent and violent and soft and pure and open. then silently turning away and letting the grip go.

that is what i need. god damn that's what i need. god damn. it's moist.

what's your resolution? i'm dying to know.