2003-12-31 - 12:39 a.m.

well what happened is...he took me out and it was indeed one of the trippier experiences to date. or trippier dates to date.

the spa was incredible and it was surreal walking in and the peeps knowing both our names and feeling like i was carted around like some premadonna. it was wierd to look around at the ladies who bath in the spa who do this when ever they want. it felt so special to me, not like something i was owed.

going into the place he gave some money to a homeless person that i have a feeling he always gives to cuz they had a familiarity in their greeting.

then on the way out another homeless person approached him and said you are not ****, naa man, naa etc etc. then we talked for a while. this man was laid off of his job in seattle and was heading to detriot. after he finished his drinking i 'm sure. the guy asked my friend if he could hug him and he did. this guy 40 is so generous, endearing and down to earth that it is such a joy just being around him. it was insane walking down the public mall and having people stare and double take him a bit. it made me very uncomfortable. then the tipper was walking down my street past the bar to the coffee shop and some one yelled at him and yelled out one of his movies in a very aggressive way. that made me feel really uncomfortable.

i can clearly see that fame is a crystal box, but a box behind which they live none the less. he rarely goes out. and i don't think of him as super currently famous anyway, i can't imagine what its like for those ones. there is a real trade off. enough to make me second think wanting to be with him. i couldn't live like that. i like being among people. i can't stand being secluded and sequestered. unless i choose it. which brings me to another point i will discuss later.

we didn't kiss. i couldn't want to cuz i had the lill coldsoar on my lip and i felt all silly and i wonder if he's wondering if i'm not into it. he sure is short for me. i really appreciate who he is, i like him a lot in that way, but again, i ddon't think i feel mad sexual chemistry and i don't know that i could settle down with someone so much older. i want someone who grows ill at the same pace as me yo.

so tigger picks me up at the airport and as i was landing i felt a distinct impending doom. one that i know. one where i feel as if i'm suffocating. i see him running around trying to find me at the baggage turnabout and i'm listening to m;y tunes not wanting to call him over. i realize like pounding loaves of sand bags that i am clearly not into it and can not ever convince myself of it. i have this airport thing that after not seeing someone i like or am involved with for a while, and i see them, i get this brief and perfectly clear intuition of whether they are the one, or even right. no one has been by the way.

he brought flowers. he started to make me some surprise. he wanted so much. i am so evidently not ready.

my mom, my girl cousins and my favorite aunts and i sat in a circle at the cabin this morning and each did a vision thing and said what we wish/vision for ourselves for the next year, then we all hold hands and close our eyes and envision it for that person. i know, i know, but words are powerful and it was amusing. i said that i wanted to build my own finance. that i obviously won't be sold or bought and need to create something on my own before i can enter into any relation, then at that time, i'd like to be open. but not before. that i truely want to put my work before it all and stop pandering my time to the drama, the game, the addiction, the boys, the relationships. i feel ready. more than before.

i told tigger that i just couldn't and he knew. i'll definately cut that rich kid out, he's so unconscious, he's so unpresent. and 40 i'd like as a friend. it's really all i can offer.

my mom, lil sis/cousin 16, and my lill lill cousin/sis 6 were driving at night, up a long mountain road to the cabin. my lill six yr old cousin was falling asleep on my lap. i was holding her like a mother bear. feeling like nothing in the world could be as gentle, or as important. that it felt so incredible that she choose me to feel safe in and was drifting off to sleep. i wanted to keep the entire world from her.

some lunatic started tailing us then compulsively flashing their lights at us. we wondered if there was something wrong with our car, but then you've heard those scams about pretending somethings wrong to pull you over and attack or somthing. so they keep doing it for miles. i call my step dad in the car ahead and tell him to pull over ahead of us. the car pulls behind us and puts on their brights.

me "do we have a knife or flashlight" as i'm quickly moving my cousin off my lap and i'm running out past our car back towards theirs, my step dad also follows me. the car skids off after a few seconds before we could get to them.

it made me realize how protective i am over the people i love. how i could become violently protective. how i am one who acts first and thinks second.

i took an ennegram pyschological personality test, i'm an 8, the challenger. from it, i was reading an exacting, brief history of my life, my specific personality traits. it was wild and rich and jarring. it said that i was betrayed or violated or hurt on some deep level when i was young, and i made some decision to take it in my hands and say, that will ne ver happen to me again. and to then control my life and need no one from then on. that my main premise is to not to owe anyone, to not ask for help, to not be dictated to, to not have any aspect of my life controlled. and it's absolutely true. i can't stand anyone controlling any slice. that's why i haven't married someone rich already. cuz they are there in this town dangled like some prize. but the payoff is my fuckin life. is everything to me. that's why i insist on making it on my own. i am nothing without that.

i gave me cat up. i brought her home to my dad. i'm sad. i hated saying goodbye, wondering if i'd ever see her again. it's wierd not having her her. it's for 'the best'.

this test has fucking taken me by my perverbial balls and ganked.

so i feel like i'm starting it all over. i am doing a fast on the 2nd and i feel like going on a silencing for two days as well. cuz i know i shouldn't converse with human beings when i'm not eating. i've never done one and am not sure it's good for me, but i'm feeling incredibly stubborn and closed off and rebelious. i feel like shutting down and getting tough with everyone but lizard.

i want nothing but to create. i want nothing but to be alone to create. i don't want any male distraction. i want perfect introspection. really. that's why it's fitting that her and i don't have any grand scheme's for tomorrow night. i hardly care. i want to wisk away into creating. that is all i feel fueled by, finally. and it feels fucking good. i think it's been great to get out of the vis grip that nyc had on me. i won't let it happen again. i am my own priority again.

i wish i didn't have that fuckin extra job so that i can go away for some days and create alone and silence and fast. maybe i'll do it anyway. fuck it.