2003-12-21 - 11:29 p.m.

sugar binge: 5

laziness: 2

nyc just called from europe. apperently he was too busy packing his last night here.

he sounded sad and distant. he didn't say i miss you or any gooshy stuff. i wonder if he's forcing a wall inside to make it all easier. or if he's just magically done with feeling. wierd. doesn't matter i said what i needed to say and i feel clean about it. i miss him, but i also have some clarity that it is so much better without him nuzzled up in my life.

i spent last night with tigger. i really started to have feelings for him. but i'm amazing, cuz i'll be falling in love with a guy at night and borred to tears and pushing away by morning. i'm insane. he's so quality. i like him. we talked for hours. i go out with 40 monday night and i leave town wednesday at the crack of ass. i'm really excited for the break and to spend time with family and to see the snow. snowball wars all the way. sledding. snow caves and etc. i can't wait. hopefully i'll get some creative work done as well, but i'm not holding my breath.

i don't want to destroy tigger. he's already made it appearent that he's dialed down to me. i like him, but that kind of tenderizing freaks me out. i hypervenillate when i'm smuthered. and i had nightmares last night that i had some terrible, shameful thing to hide. and i that i didn't want to be found out. am i that afraid of someone genuine getting so close? i don't want to let him in. i don't want to let him close. i don't want to choose. i don't want to get locked down.

i am so difficult.

but i love the cars. listen to some old cars trax. it'll make you happy. and 'hey mickey your so fine you blow my mind'. that rox me hard.

i've been having trouble sleeping. cuz i stay up too late then can't fall away. and tigger kept snorring last night. he's sweet cuz i woke him up to tell him i couldn't sleep and made him get up and get me water. hehe. i hardly remembered that. he was sweet. he's a very normal creative guy. he's a bit fem. big shock!!

i need to exit some anxiety. i'm taking on too much stress. let's all list good de-stressers for ineb-yo:

1. masterbation

2. books

3. meditation

4. baths

5. walking

6. dancing all night

add your own. yes, you the one that reads and never signs in... :*)