2003-12-19 - 4:27 a.m.

"i am thinking its a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirrors images and when we kiss they are perfectly aligned."

tigger left me a message of that song. he said he thinks of me when he hears it. scandalous. last night he, i and the son of an underground civil rights renegade closed down the night talking till five turdy in the morning. i would catch myself staring into his eyes, looking at his sweet hair and wonder what it'd be like to run my fingers through it. wonder what else is inside of him. there was a sweet and suddle tension brewing. we had the best time talking all night. two incredible, sweet men. he dropped me off and midsentance he pours out 'this is too tough for me. i have feelings for you and can't be friends.'

so we talked about it, i ran my fingers through his hair and i told him i am a sick pup who is disillusioned and addictive and a big asshole and under no circumstances should he get involved with me. i still think that i am invisible. i can't understand how my actions effect others. i can't see how he was saying that he will be tore up from me, or rather how he might be interpriting my behavior tonight. cuz i just have never thought anyone has thought anything of me enough. it's wierd to explain, it lays to deep inside to verbalize. but i never thought i effected anything in anyone, cuz i never knew i exhisted.

he spilled water on my friend tonight. he spilled water the first night we hung out.

i like him. a bit. but i'm a superficial dork who is always lookin. tonight he met us at the cafe around 2am to shut it down and i'm thinking about the guys that are good looking at the place. and tonight was hard, cuz we went to nyc and i's spots and it was crazy not having him entow. i miss him. and i don't know how i'm going to be able to be clean about this when he gets home. i don't know how i'll be able to keep it seperate cuz now there's all this built up desire and longing and fantasy let's face it. it'll just work won't it? it will. it always does. i do miss him tho. but him not being here is forcing me to have new experiences and get to know new people. i love expansion.

showing my step bro around turned out to be great. and i think he was overwhelmed and blown away by the magic of my city. we had fun. we went to a tapas spot, an la institution resteraunt spot, then to a terrible club, two cool bars and to the close out cafe. i worry about shit for nothing.

the bar was kicking. the women were blowing me away. and a few select guys. trying to ignore the under 25 set. it's so fucking late. six nights in a row sleeping after 3a.m. beyond beat.

i miss nyc. you must be thinking that i should be with him since i'm having these feelings, but when i look at him, i know he isn't, are personalitites would NEVER work. we are both too firey. we couldn't parent a kidlet. but fuck i do love him and i do miss him. a lot. and i'm still partially crushed that he has been able to just leave me like this. to seperate so sharply. i am surprised. and i don't know how to react to it to him. maybe i was temporary to him. but i've never seen someone work so hard, so relentlessly to grab my attention and keep it. manipulate it.

tigger, tho. hmmm. he's something very new on the radar. he's ummm a good new. something i should really pay attention to. he's good and i want to get to know him. i want to go sllllowww. i want to be chased. i want to walk by inches.

i hope you are well.

'big ups' on s. listen, i just had to say the word big ups. but seriously man, i've found ways out of that kind of head trippin, cave living. it's a possibility.

cheers, me!