2003-12-17 - 1:02 a.m.

i'm finally feeling better. better as if all those sticky emotions never actually exhisted. i bounce back quickly. or i'm kidding myself. either way, i'm going with it.

tonight, went to my very wealthy clients for a dinner party in malibu. met a guy. he's older, but interesting. i saw him at the gas station just before the party, we were semi checking eachother out. he was in a nice car and i was silently commenting to myself that seeing a guy like that, wealthy, older, sacrifices a bit of hip factor. they usually have adult hairstyles, with borring adult tastes in life. they don't get the skateboarding part of me.

so i leave the gas station, buzz to the clients house and he arrives just after me at the same house. i look up at him and reply "i beat you." we chatted all night. i would be curious about dating him, but i could never feel at home in his world. the friends he hangs with are beyond malibu. blond, monied, artificial, snobby. bitter. and he's not those things, as far as i saw anyway.

then after i juggled hanging with '40' and stopped by M's and snuggled up and made out with him. i just had a rebellious urge to make out with him. to not care about fronts. he's got a nice pad int he canyon, millions of stars, tree's cutting black jagged edges into the night's light sky. deer's crossing the road all over. can you believe that's LA too? he was hopped up on painkillers cuz his back went out. i also tasted a nice amount of wine on his breath, which always turns me on. shoot. so i accidentally blew off 40. and i think i've over booked myself tomorrow night too- with m, 40, tigger and lizard and maybe my stepbrother. there's a punk show lizard and i want to go to that i have tix to. and i might have infered that i would come over to m's whilest i blew off 40 until tomorrow night and also told tigger we could hang wed as he's leaving town after.

it's called a scheduling glitch. but not a problem. i think they all think i'm so innocent that they wouldn't assume i'm out playing, just that i'm flakey. nyc and lizard always know my games tho. if i'm gone too long at the bathroom, it's cuz i'm mtg some new morsel. chewy. delicious.

maybe it's all a complicated salve to relieve myself of my attachment to nyc. or to relieve myself to breath inside of me. as i was snuggling with m tonight, i felt like it's the bonding that hooks. maybe not even so much the person. obviously i have to click with them as i'm picky, but once that's in, then i think i bond too easily. melt into others too quickly. i'm too open. snuggle too easily.

and i wonder if i'll do anything for new yr's eve with any of them. i usually seem to be juggling at least two at a time. nyr's eve will be a complete surprise this yr as i have no plans and no plans to plan anything. remember last year. wow. that always brings a very private smile to my face. to be bringing in the new year like that. haha. different. poignant. punctuated.

i can't fucking believe, this married man at the party cornered me and was seriously leeching. i felt sorry for his wife standing just nearby. it's unbelieveable really. it was as if he was blood thirsty.

ps. the postal service is an amazing band. they make me happy. very cheerful.

i've been in a bad habit of staying up too late three a.m.

i think i have no restraint. if i want to do something, i do it. i don't say, i need to stay home and work. i need to 'get ahead'. i need to not date. i attempt this, but never succeed. i'm a liver.

it was tough tonight, it was a wine tasting party. i hate feeling left out. not sure anyone notices that i'm not throwing back. but i want to join the slow inebriation. the slow warming to the burning fire.