2003-12-15 - 11:56 p.m.

yeah. that hurt. nyc never called. he left some lofty message after his flight, probably on a layover. he totally unengaged. pulled himself from our tanglings. it killed me. i still had stuff to say and i wanted some closure. and now i don't know if i'll even talk to him for a whole month. and worse, i've felt like someone has punched my stomach and i'm on the verge of tears ever since.

it's hurts.

i called my brother the next morning sobbing visseral tears. he was incredible. he said everything right. he listened. he oodled me. he's so important to me. he has a key to me that only a few people have. maybe only him. i really see the depth of this pain, it runs much further than nyc. it's primal. and it might be the very first time that i've dealt, or even admitted it.

it feels freeing and a tad hopeful but fucking crushing as well. i've just been crushed. there's nothing else i can tell you.

i've been working too much and i hated yoga today. i couldn't stop thinking how my body's deteriorating from it's previously perky form and how i didn't want to move for shit. i want to lay like a lump of clay.

i'm crushed ya all. i'm not sure i even want to talk to nyc when/if he calls. i wonder if he'll miss me. he'll have tons of eye candy and fun in europe, such distraction, it'll be easier for him to seperate. he thrives, thirsts and is fed on stimulus. he'll have plenty of that. if he was here he could go two days w/out talking to me.

i'm praying to let it sit. just settle away. and want to have a new experience in my relations.

i'm still talking to 40, he's cool, i like him in my life. not sure if i want to kiss him tho. he's doing a shoot this week. i need to clean my space for my stepbrother next week.

praise kazaa.

shit man. i can't explain it, but in my heart, it's flexing. it's gripping against this surge of hurt. can't it jsut flow away like a cold river whipping through? damn. damn damn. i really miss nyc, getting his neurotic calls. he made me feel so validated, so filled up. so now there is the clicqued fucking vacumme. don't get too near, i may just suck you in.

this week i've got a cool private party thurs night. maybe out with 40 tomorrow and i won tix at an indy show wednes night, not sure i'll go tho.