2003-12-14 - 2:50 a.m.

i'm sad. i'm so very desolate.

i was listening to "she goes all night long", the old rock song and i glanced out to the ocean road and thought of the moment i found out about grandma dying. i collapsed to the floor. i fell like she had. i regressed into the womb of the world and fell desperately apart.

i cried as if the linolium was a bossom, holding me with it's lukewarm skin. grandmas skin was like a moving silk, like a silky fluid ocean. and we were comfortable with eachother. i could just lay my head in her lap and be pet, falling asleep to the vibration of her sound. 28 years of constantly knowing someone. knowing their smell and their essense and their reactions. and where the hell is she now? is she feeling me cry right now? is she petting my head?

my emotions have been unrulely today. i hung out with this guy by default tonight. we'll call him 'tigger'. he's really cool. i wasn't attracted to him at first. hated the way he dressed, as i am still stuck in vainsville every now and then. then, by default, cuz he was the proprietor of the previous hat party, i saw him again. and i really enjoyed his company. he's the type i 'should' think of letting in. he's the 'ready' type who is really respected by his friends. who would be really good to a partner. i met him at another party tonight by; default becuz i was too sad to be alone tonight. and i really enjoyed him once again. he knows i only want to be friends and he's really into that. so now that there's no pressure, i feel free to get to know him. i do like him. i found myself liking him tonight. of course i don't write home anymore about that, as my likes change with the wind.

tonight was nyc's last night and he hasn't called. i'm shocked. he is so compulsive with me. and to tell you the truth, i'm crushed. i'm sad and a bit relieved that he hasn't called. but i'm really sad that he didn't want to see me on his last night and i'm more curious about why. he get's on the plane early tomorrow. i wonder if he'll call. i don't even know if he has my email. it's in his hands. i don't miss him. and i feel myself detaching. i guess i'm getting bitterly good at that. but i am hurt that i am not important enough for his last night. or that something is going on with him. i don't know why how important i am to him is so important to me. it's like a ranking system and i want to know where i fall. i wonder what the hell he's doing tonight. and i never should talk cuz i've always got something brewing.

i'm depleted. i have nothing. i have nothing to give. and i figured out the dating scene. i don't want to date anyone worth it. no one i'd consider anything real with, cuz that would challenge me and i'm not ready and don't want to give the time. so i'll only date those that i know it won't go anywhere. like M and 40. just to enjoy myself a tad. but not get wrapped up like nyc, cuz they aren't the same mixture. it would be impossible to go away with either of these guys. and i might get borred with that and loose m and keep 40 as a friend cuz he is quality.

some days, i feel like a faucet that get's turned on and the emotions just can't seem to turn back off. i'm filling the sink and it's saturating the shag carpet.

i really like leonard cohen.

i need to re-enter the womb. i need to become pure and unexperienced. i want everything to feel new again. i want to not know how bad things can hurt and how anyone really can be a match for you and that there really isn't just one. i want to feel hopeful and blinded and silly.

nyc, you have crushed me. the same wall, of which i knew each brick, has struck me on the head and knocked me out. can i please not do this again? can i please learn how to be alone. he validated me in such an addictive way. i needed it. i sought it any night i went out. i wanted him to like my outfit, i wanted to feel wanted and sexy with him. and i did. i always felt filled up.

why hasn't he called me? there are things i still want to say. convey.

i'm glad to have this place to come home to. to land. to feel that it's received by someone. it's soothing inside. it soothes the storm aching to be fucking silenced.