2003-12-13 - 2:17 p.m.

another tragic moment. i went to nyc's last night. and i really miss him. i have a lot of love for him.

my lesson is so poignant and so blatant. it's like someone nude standing before me, challenging me to ignore everything about their vunerability.

i feel like such a horrible person. i have so much that i realize about myself and am begging to change. begging within myself and around myself. to find some strength to just start doing it differently. becuz it is becoming very painful. aching.

nyc and i were in a deep discussion and he said that he sensed that when he had wanted something i pushed away, that i smelled it. and i admited that the reason i can get so close to him now is because i know that there is a limitation. a bookend. a due date. i know that he only can to a limit, and i don't have to loose control and show up and fall away into someone. he said i have a problem with looking around. but what really hurt is the truth that i have been utterly falling for the sensation that i had with my dad when i was little. that sensation that someone is sweet, kind, connected and loves me, but they just can't show up. they are just about to fail me, and i am left with feeling that if they JUST loved me enough they'd stay, they'd change. somewhere inside i'm always wishing something from my dad. some way for him to show up more, be present. consistent. the way i thought if i was enough, or good, my dad might of showed up to pick me up when he said he would. or call every week. i was just a little dad's girl with a broken heart. i know that sounds like a bunch of poor me sappy ass bs. but i'm just now starting to see how it's infiltrated my relations now. how i look for someone i completely bond with. who we love eachother deeply, but there's a irreparable wall. this, we can only go this far. and i know this, but i'm always shocked and hurt to feel the limitation when it drops. it breaks me all over again. that's what ben was. that's what that one gbooker called me out on a while ago and i thought he was wrong or full of it. but it all kept me from being REALLY available for someone here and ready. and why am i sooo terrified, of that? i'm so afraid to grow up.

so i'm hurt that nyc won't change where he's at and want to be with me, not even that i'd want that if it was offered...that is how sick i am. complex and ridiculous.

that's what i'm desperate to change. this morning i was saying goodbye to nyc for the month and more. because we talked about needing this time to seperate and get back to a genuine friendship.

i really still think it's not even the right time for me to fall in love and enter a partnership. i need to devote love and energy to work and someone worthy would consume so much of that. i just need some time. but then, i hope that i'll be up for the challenge and stop wrapping myself in situations like this. i need a grown up who is ready to grow up with me. i am holding a vision of this. of health and communication and cooking together and slow dancing and talking all night and wild sex and being quiet together. my friend/client is the best father on the planet and he loves it, it's one of the deepest joys, past his semi-fame, past his cool life, it's the greatest and richest. and i want someone like that. i want that journey.

now the question, do i cut out 40 and M cuz i don't think, at least M, qualifies.

it just hurts. i can't stand goodbyes. i can't stand that i'm not everything to him. eventho i don't know if i could or would even offer everything to him. it's a childish sensation to pout that his x wife is more important or his feelings for her were deeper. i just really like being close to someone like that, he can go there. hours of talk and snuggle and connecting and being honest. and yuet he's also immature and i don't want those pieces of him. and it hurts that he's still in town tonight, but i don't know if i'm important enough to spend the last night with him. or if he wants to mix it up. his x offered to take him to the airport. i've got some art openings and a cool art party tonight, but there's nothing i'd rather do than spend the time with him. he's taught me a lot about valueing the moment and the preciousness of people and not to waiste the time fighting like i always do. i tried to fight to push him away b4 he leaves. but he wouldn't let me. and it's true i am a fighter. i can't let anything go. and it's breaking myself and everyone that loves me and i can't do it anymore. i'm flattened. i'm cornered. i can't hurt people anymore. he's like, i could die in the airplane and you want to spend the last time arguing. and he's right i drove away once again, feeling horrid that i waisted even a moment. i do that when i love someone. i'm stubborn.i guess i'm scared to love and just allow things to be gentle. we left on great terms, which hurts, cuz it was soft and loving and real. wow and i waasn't just my dad, i always fought viciously with my mom and always left feeling unloved. i'd push so hard, just to feel an ounce. then i'd feel terrible that there was this distance and i felt left. unloved. we fought like crazy. that's what she taught me.

it has to change. i'm almost begging you to help me. and if there's anything "out there" i'm asking it for the strength. i've got 28 years to unwind within me. i can't take another day with this behavior of mine, i want to hold that deeper than this pattern that is at my very core.

i'm sad. i don't like change in this way. i don't like when people i love leave.