2003-12-07 - 5:46 p.m.

guess who showed up at 2.30am? nyc of course, after i said not to come over. and then we argued the next morning. almost all morning. and i finally gotmy period. phew.

and he asked me five times that i know that that means i'm not pregnant, as if i live in the dark ages and didn't know that. i was so pissed. cuz i answer his ridiculous question once to endure it a total of 10,000 more times. i'm so fucking fed up with him. i can't take him and his ego. he acts miffed that i'm dating, retorts that he'll start dating, then pulls me aside to remind me that 'we are just friends' don't get any idea's etc etc etc. it's fuckin pure lunacy. and i'm showing up for it. here i see these women who are married to supportive men and i'm foolin with this fuckin kid who drives me up the wall. what's wrong with me. and what's more, i fight too much. when i'm with a guy i can't let things go, i can't ever be blamed, wrong or unheard and i battle until they scream mercy. i know i drive them out of their mind. each have told me. i feel horrible about it and i don't know how i'll ever change. i'm so stubborn. i've got those edges, and they feel justified with nyc cuz he says things that are fucking outlandish. he mixes things up so much and barely admits that our feelings our beyond frienshiip, which they are well beyond. but that doesn't mean we are in a relationship. but he thinks by me making him admit that means that i'm beggin for some relationship. i seriously can't fucking be around him for a long while. i'm fed up.

and i really think that he is the king of the string. there has been a string of inappropriate partnerships for me, ben, luke, a few young flings to boot. 25 and under, not ready, you';ve gotten the pix. and he is the king, the last surviving member along the line of this bullshit. no more.

NO MORE.

i'm committing to you right now.

no more.

not a cent. not for one date. nothing.

and no more with him either. for my sanity and yours. he is latin and spends hours upon hours talking about the same thing, some issue that he pounds his point into the ground and he waistes my life away. today he waisted my precious sunday and my happiness away. he says he's joking about some stuff, but it feels like an attack. then he grows some fucking enormous ego and pulls me aside on the street and says, you know, we are just friends. his ego needs to do that every now and then.

i'm fucking hating him right now. i'm so angry and fed up. i want to tell him i don't want to see him for the next two months. if we're such friends, then he doesn't need to come over at 2.30am. or kiss me or hold my fucking hand on my street. he's unbelieveable and i do believe i've finally met my match in terms of player, walled, stubbborn muther f.er. he leaves next week and i don't want to see him at all. it'll take everything in me to endure his manipulations to convince me to see him, but i don't want to see him at all. all he does is mix me up and steal away what should be for me, and open for someone who is right.

sorry i had to get an ounce of it out.

being around these new born babies really jolts me. it shows me how unready i am. how immature and insane i am.

lizard and i are going to some crazy 80's thing tonight. the band goes on at midnight on a sunday night. long live singledom!