2003-12-07 - 12:56 a.m.

i'm feeling *really* hurt.

nyc and i just had another bout about the way he handled the alledged pregnancy.

i'm going to a baby shower tomorrow for a girl who married a lawyer, waited the right amount of time, got a nice house and had the kid. i feel like "if" i ever got pregnant that i'd be rolling into it desperately unprepared.

see the wierd thing is, that i am a player i suppose. i meet a lot of people. ;i go on 'dates'. and some i continue to date. i even meet guys in front of nyc. but somewhere in the midst of this, i managed to do what i've always done, and i got what i've always gotten. and i want to punish myself. i just think that i'm not up to par to live in this picket fenced world. i don't think i'll ever be up to 'normal'.

behind all of this dating and such, i've been spending a lot of time with nyc. hours upon hours. and intimate. and talking and holdin and nuzzling and sex. and that is bonding. and he just layed it out straight that he can't be in anything, that he's not ready, doesn't own a house and if his deal falls thro he has nothing. and i know that. it's ben alllll over again. falling close with a boy who hasn't turned into a man. and its so painful. nothing has hurt quite like this, because I DID IT. i did it a g a i n.

after it hurt so unbearably the first time. i had to squeeze in a second go. i told him that some of the things he says and ways he is to me is way beyond friends. he says that he thinks i want a relationship and the funnyt hing is that with him, i don't. cuz he's not ready and he's immature and not spiritually an equal. and we both know, he even says it. and at one point he said, let's give this a try and i said no. a firm no. but again i foreshorten what i might be able to have in life, a real partnership, and emotionally chase this guy, while in the meantime, i think i'm open to someone new and i'm really loving and consummed with him. and maybe really loving him. i swore he wouldn't get me like this. he said all this stuff about his x, that they started as friends and i felt like he was pre-empting me to feel like it would happen with us, as if he wanted me to want that, and i never did.

make sense?

i had never wanted anything at all. and somehow he slid in. and i guess you get used to someone. which is a strange thing. cuz i don't always get used to people or bond with them.

whatever. he asked to see me tonight after saying all this on how he's very clear on where we are at and such, meaning that he likes to hang out and when he leaves, it'll be easy for him and that this is just a friendship with wierd benefits. but then he tells me things like, i've thought about you all day, or how much he misses me and wants to spend all this time with me, every night. but ben said alllloootttt too. and the fact always *always* remained, that he wasn't ready.

i guess if we went therapuetic on my ass we could say that i am perpetuating the sensation of loss i had as a child with my first understanding of a man, my dad. cuz it's all similar. i know he loved me a lot, i know he's a great, sensitive person, but he just couldn't show up and i was left feeling like it was because i wasn't worth it, enough. that i was shit. my dad was out drinking. drinking was more important and i can see how it could be. but i always waited. and then i just turned something off within me. i just turned something definitively off. i got tough. that's where my edge was formed. i sought to not need. i sought to detach. and this stubbborn piece of me that anyone who gets close combats, and i do mean combat. like a war. a war of this violent rage that i am not loved, that no one could fucking convince me of any different. no matter what they do, or how they bend their words. and i always have to be right. and i can't let go of anything.

i was slightly jealous of my friend tonight who has my ideal boyfriend, who went to fiji together and he adores her and they seem very normal. and i feel like i can never be loved like that, here i am waisting my time convincing someone incapable, to change their entire life and path to love me. and it never happens cuz ben lived in another country and wasn't ready. and nyc was married at 20 and has only been out for a year and will be traveling soon. do you see that this is me. THIS IS ME. and it's fuckin killing me.

i think i'm so in control. i think i can have my cake with nyc and eat it to, with mtg others and dating. and really i'm pathetically falling into him, nyc. and i don't even know that he's worth it, as a person. we drive eachother crazy.

what hurts most is that i'm doing this again. and what hurts more is that all i want is to be with him tonight and maybe i'm just romanticizing him. he said he thinks i need some love from him and he wants to come over and give it and hold me. and yes i want him to come over here and fucking fix this. and hold me and be everything and settle this swirling inside. but i told him no. cuz i knew that i at least deserved a chance to let go. and that i should at least try to cut the cord so that i can really give everything to my work, my life and being open to something possibly healthy, or at least available.

i started to feel and act like a crazy girlfriend once i thought i might be pregnant. but that's bullshit, i started to act like that, when i started to feel like that. when i started to feel like his girlfriend. and he says life is so short and i really feel like just being with him. i feel like being consummed. and the dali lama talks about the difference between pleasure and happiness. shit i want long term happiness. but i also am scared that i'll really miss him when he's away and wish that i saw him now and really enjoyed our time together and let go of all of my silly walls and just played and laughted and let go. but if i do that, then what? then i might let go and be hurt.

all i have is this trust that my life will all work out. cuz when things haven't worked out, it was for a reason and i've always been glad for that reason.

like when i saw the x, i was mad for him. mad. and seeing him, i still felt love, i still felt a bit of hope and connection. but i also had a sensation of reality that he doesn't get it or get me or get what is essential to me about this short stay on earth.

i feel like we are all on the big playground and we are picking partners for a long game. and i can't find my partner and i'm afraid i'll be left to play alone or stuck with the short guy who can't pitch worth shit.

thanks for listening.

i love my readers and your odd interest in my 'colorful' life. at one point playful and derelic and at one point heavy and overlythought.