2003-12-06 - 7:11 p.m.

i'm hurt.

i've been spotting for days and thought i might be pregnant as 'nyc' and i haven't exactly been responsible. oh by the way,, i've been having sex with nyc. where exactly is my 'adult' button cuz i can't seem to even find it and press 'on'.

i feel like a complete idiot for acting like some irresponsible teenager. i'm not even practicing what the fuck i preach. what kind of fate am i tempting.

and i'm pissed off at him cuz he's out partying and told two guys, one of which whom i have ZERO RESPECT FOR. he's a twoit. he defines orange county cheese. all he's abbout is chasing chic's and being substantially artificial! he's a fucking cunt. and i fucking hate that he knows something so personal. and then nyc says lets go to bbreakfast, as if he ever wakes up before the hour of 3pm!! dick. then he hasn't even called me today. i'm so raging. and peel back all the anger and what's at the core is hurt. total miffed, tender hurt.

how is it that i managed to tangle up in another young, irresponsible guy. last night i wen tout with a completely 'ready' responsible, dynamic guy and i wasn't interested. i need to force myself to like the 'right' guys. i guess i'm still not ready? fuck. i give. i'm so hurt. that fuckin pussy. and i simulataneously want to see him and don't want to ever see him again. he's leaving for europe for a month next week. i better fuckin not be pregnant. i honestly don't know what i'd do. i'm not exactly some spring chicken who should ruin her life with an early birth. but i'm also in no way ready for that.

more later. deep breath. deep deep breath.