2003-12-05 - 1:44 a.m.

tonight certainly was odd. i wonder who reads this. if someone i know reads it. it wouldn't be tooo tough to discover. a friend can come to my house, look under my recent web pages and bam! all of my innards there on display.

and i don't censor much from you all. i don't mind telling complete strangers everything about me, but people i know? i'd rather than know what i select for them.

so tonight was wierd. we get to the party and there was a beavy of cute guys and nyc was there. i played it cool with him. he's all i'm ggoing to leave cuz i don't want to ruiin your game. i convinced him that he wouldn't. and he didn't. i left with a new friend in the back pocket. then lizard and i left to a local smoozy bar and i met another guy there. but i'm not sure how interested i am in either of these new guys. thanks god nyc didn't come to that bar, cuz i ran into my x.

the one.

no not the british one.

the one. the one i started this diary on. the one my heart was tore the f. up over. we just had lunch a bit ago cuz i appologized to him for my lunacy. he was drunk and a bit 'friendly' with me. he isn't it for me in terms of the fact that he's not really hip or with it on the level, in terms of, well he grew up blue blood and doesn't GET life. just doesn't get it. but i love him. and i respect his loyalty and ways he is in a relationship. i secretly wanted to talk more but m;y girl was having a cardiac about leaving and he wasn't offering to take me home. he was just talking at length while the previous guy i had just met kept pissing on my leg like i was his new girlfriend. man. and then there was that guy i went on a quicky date with and cute the string on not too long ago that was saying hi. he's a mess. so i felt that it was a little entangled. i need to let go of all this compulsive madness. i don't get all the hoopla i looked like a cowgirl lez tonight with a bad face. thats my impression.

x said i had had a lot of walls. in some ways i think i'm more open and the way i'm playing now, i think i'm more closed than ever. so far off from being "ready".

i don't feel like goin on my date tomorrow night. i'm sick of men right now. i'd rather go out with some hot chic. ps. some girl tonight who must of been xing or piss drunk grabbed lizard and stuck her finger beneath her to grab her privates like some sick fucking guy. she was right violated. if it was a guy we would of romped him. he'd be done. but what do you do when it's a girl.

i wonder if x is thinking of me. i wonder if he's wishing to be with me.