2003-12-04 - 10:08 p.m.

i'm feeling fat and wrinkley and blochey on the face. i'm feeling very unmerry.

it just shows you that nothing can asphalt that big hole in our roads. i shopped hard today and barely got my binge bliss cuz the dressing room lady was such a fucking rude cunt. she was mean. straight uncooth.

i'm crashing a production party fondue thing up the street. my clients go the invite and it was passeed to me, but i know no one there. and lizard's coming and fucking 'nyc' insisted. once he hears i know of a party he acts as if i'm with holding life changing secret information. i do want the night alone by the way. i get no action when he's puting his arm around me and acting like a fucking hawk. then he always says we are just friends you need to know. he kidnapped me the other night cuz i was cryuing for hours about my grandma. then we basically spent every night together. it's like having a relationship w/out the ship.

just some fun friendship and sex and snuggle relations. it's all good but i don't like him coming on my turf, it feels too mixed and i hate the responsibility of recommending a good party or not. he asks will it be good? as if i fuckin know, as if i'm supposed to be a magician and entertain everyone.

ii'm a bit foul right now aren't i?

'40' called. and i have a date w/ an overly anxious fella this friday. he's nice, i think we were calling him bounce. i'm just so lazy when it comes to men. i feel like they rob me of something. an essence. an internal essence. and i know for a fact that 'nyc' is going to INSIST on stayin over tonight and i want space and i want my day for myself tomorrow. he sucks up every second. somehow he manages to manipulate everything. EVERYTHING. it's fucking stunning.

i hope this party is good.

cia.

i love you all.

do you know that?

you are loved.