2003-11-20 - 11:26 p.m.

he didn't even get in last night.

yar. and then guess who showed up at my place unannounced at 3am? nyc special friend.

he said that he's lucky i didn't have someone over, that he would of just asked to sleep on the couch, which is a bald faced lie to mask his covert feelings for me. but i'd say the same to him. i'd lay there jealous and fuming, or thinking of joining them. hahah. i'm 'versatile'!

i want to have a big toy's for tot's party at a friends huge house on the beach and i want to involve my new job at the environmental non profit! i hope he goes for it. it would be a real blast. i would wear a santa hat and take all the toys to lill' chitlins with no bones to buy into this commercialistic fuckin mess. follow?

i've had a good day. i'm all pumped on my new job and feeling liberated about letting go of some of the massage stress. and i'm going to raise my prices and save to go on a trip. costa rica? brazil?

i'm such a fuckin busy body, i'm exhausting myself. my expectations of myself are insane and i'm terribly hard on myself, i can do no right. i'd like to release myself.

i'm eating cheese tonight. melted on a plate, straight up. maybe i'll add some vinegar.

i want to go on a fuckin colon cleanse, which says i can't eat cheese coffee sugar meat.... fuck off man.