2003-11-19 - 9:31 p.m.

this whole me not dating, me not having sex thing was a horrible idea to begin with.

in other words, i'm failing miserably.

i'm meeting people and dating them.

and i accidentally slept with my boy bestfriend, the one i went to nyc with. i guess we hadddd to. i guesss it was inevitable.

it was good too. it has curbed my appetite and motivated me.

i really love him. bbut i must be sick because i'm not attached to something "happening" with us. i loove him. i love to snuggle and be close and we are close friends, but i don't mind going out playing with him. i don't mind him seeing others or p[icking up on them or whatever. in fact last night we were all out and some cute guy that i'm not sure i'll bother with has asked me out. clearly not in front of said friend, but regardless.

in fact there was too many oodles of dood-ls there at this fun spot we went to. cute munchins. one that i could hardly stand how amazing he was, but i got intercepted by the other cute guy. i'm out having a smoke for two minutes and my friends inside call of my cell phone trying to find me and see if i'm alright. trippers. can't a grl have a lill' tittle?

i'm well aware of the fact that someday i'll have to grow up. and i feel like today just isn't that day.

so here's the *new* bottomline. i'm only going to do supplimental dating/sexing. meaning, any breaks i need from work, art, then i will enjoy a lill fooey. if it steals away my spiritual space, time or energy, then it's clipped. and no senseless dating just to be out. only true characters and people that are really worth it get this break time. so i'm trimming the fat, but keeping the meat. so to say.

and i'll only have sex with the friend. i'm not into complicating that sort of thing.

tonight i may be going out with him again to a hot spot. the hot spot. and then maybe hitting the spot. but right now i need to get cat litter as it smells like a public piss room with added cat amonia.

so that's it guys, i'm only seeing people in my art-creating breaks. cutting the phat, but not the meat. and i have to be really strong about saying no to that fat. cuz i'm easily swayed.

i'm so retarded.