2003-11-16 - 12:13 a.m.

i'm culling up all of my sexual energy for my work. i'm roping it in like a fiesty, wild rodeo chic. focusing it to an oceanic pinpoint.

but i may still masterbate tonight. just to ease out the evening into a nice, sound sleep.

today i went on a little adventure. i started by going to glassell park to find ernie the apolosterer on some street with two bushey trees in the middle of rows of mexican carberator shops, bakerys, canecerias. i found ernie and he gave me A SUPER DOPE DEAL!!

the other day, while cruising, i found a 1985 nissan van back seat. i purchased said double seater for $15. i called my pal stinky, got some soft, mod white vinyl fabric, and brought down east side to get reappolstered to become my new sitting couch. total cost $165. new super lush couch.

i will read on this couch. i will sit quietly,staring blankly, listening to the rain. i will make out with boys on this couch and if i'm feeling real friendly, the occasional dollface. i will eat oranges and clip my toe nails. i will start a couch revolution.

on the street corner i saw a crew of mexican boys, around 12-15yrs old, dress in complete black zoot suits, top hats, with vato chain links. they were fuckin styled. fuckin black and white and razer sharp. rolling down cypress on a sweet saturday. going where? doing what? what do they talk about? how do they decide to all dress the exact same? i would like to be one for a day and feel and hear and see everything. i would like for him to be me.

then i found myself back in china town fondling some street-side egg rolls and checking out the kitzch shops and galleries. vibrant, slow pulse, like blood pumping steadily through our veins.

i also came across a salvation army that is pure ghetto. nothing over a dollar. i find stilleto's that could make a proper woman break down in tears. i bought seven.

downtown. so many homeless. hundreds. tents setting up semi permanent stations, roadside. in the only area in LA that they aren't chased away. but once we start to buy into this area, cops will be paid by people who drink starbucks to shoo them away, like housewifes in apron's carrying long 1950's broomsticks. i watched one man. dressed all in grey. always in grey, as if color became unimportant as the person began to fade away. grey that melts into the color of asphalt and sidewalks and pylons that hide crevases in underpasses. i wonder where he shits. when he'll eat again. if he's ever warm enough at night. how he got there. how anywhen "gets" there. we each carve out little nitches for ourselves in the world and we craft importance around them. importance with symbols to define the borders, the edges, the walls. with couches, with walls, and framed photo's. whereever there is human, there is a need to carve out a space. with card board and fencing and a shopping cart parked in the driveway full of broken glass, discarded rubber and train track gravel. does anyone get invited into their space? their space that's so divided and isolated? does anyone get invited into your space?

i just came back from a water party (sober). all the jones-ers in the broad daylight of the night, shaking around whats left. it was a total fuckin bore, save seeing some severe rocker chicks and talking with them about facials .

i'm feeling hurt about the nyc friend. i don't even want to call him, i'm feeling sad and i can't pin it down. i don't want to be with him. i guess i'm sad he's pulling away, but what can i expect? he made it clear that he wanted to play and give it a try and i wouldn't. but i still get sensitive and get my feelings hurt.

the other guy called and asked me out for monday. listen, guys you've got to come up with more original dates than perpetual dinners. i'm getting lard enough as is, i don't need a constant carbo influx. i want to go to cirque de solei or to the opera, or even the movies, or the imax, or to a bar or create paintings together, or skateboard and smoke cigarettes and go graffiting. okay, i don't think this guy would be down for that. he's more organized and refined. maybe i'm borred with him alreADY. maybe he's borred with me and is noodling around to get laid. he has an airplane. hmmmm, that could be fun.

listen, i've been reconsidering this whole no sex thing. when that munchy lill german gets here in jan, i'm going to throw him down. ya?

...then i'm REALLY going to get serious.