2003-11-12 - 12:46 a.m.

man o man.

went on the second date with the one i liked.

he's a real cookie alright. privilaged. but down to earth. i'm all squirelly. i think i *really* do have problems. my client today said i'm just extremely phobic. i'm spun. these clients got back from traveliing all over africa, playing with princes in monte carlo amoung other celebrity dolls, and then five star meals in london. and they swing. hard. what a life. it's strange to hear about. he grew up with money, she grew up with none. i wonder what it must be like for her to 'come' into it like that. she actually doesn't use him and isn't apt to be a trophy. granted, she has a rockin body, but she also has a brain.

then i go on my date up the street from them and his home is adorable. i don't get how he has the great home, can travel, fly his plane all over and not worry about work or finances. i wonder if his money will run out or if he is seriously set for life. i think that would be awkward to have a bankroll and then have it dry up. you wouldn't build any life skills to figure out how to take care of yourself, how to make money, or apply for work. poor rich kids. haha. my own step siblings have trust funds. it's just my bro and i who got the shaft. my step brother can just go back to grad school w/out a thought, travel all over se asia etc. i have to go into serious, guiltridden debt, and grad school? in my fuckin dreams. but don't for a second doubt that i wouldn't want to go back for a masters in writing.

i've been told that i have enviable freedom. i have a totally free schedule, i have no boss, no guy to check in with, nothing. but i also see these people with so much money having total freedom. they can spread their wings so far and with such five star ease. but unless you are directly the one that made the money, not your boyfriend/husband or great grandfather passing it down to your mother and down to you, then you must feel a bit owned, a bit false, a bit like you *really* couldn't make it on your own if you had to.

it's a trip. certainly a trip. i want to take it slow with him. i'm on SLO-MO. that's hard to explain to him. i told him i'm shy and prewd. i get all goofy and not myself around him. fuck that. i am me. it's all i have to offer.

my nyc special friend iis pissed at me and says we can't snuggle anymore and that he won't flirt with me anymore. it's cuz i had it out with him cuz he was always talking too much about having sex and it was making me crazy and taking up all my time. i miss him tho and want to snuggle with him. he's a real pain in the ass. i don't like when a guy grows healthy boundaries all of the fuckin sudden. blow me. i just like sleeping next to him. we'd never even do anything, mostly not even kiss, but i liked having him next to me. it was like when you were little and you had sleep overs. slumber parties.

i think i need to start making my own money, serious money. if i made serious green, maybe i'd just want to be a bachelorette for life and have long term lovers, an array of friends and always have freedom and never have to committ. never have to build a life with one other. i'd just build my life and invite people in periodically.

:*)