2003-11-12 - 10:51 p.m.

i'm a little upset that my nyc sp-friend didn't ask me to go out tonight. he always goes to this hotspot he was going to drag me to..but since things have gotten sticky i think he's backing up.

he told me off this morning about trying to get him to snuggle last night. he says 'don't get yourself confused'. he's the most arrogant man i've ever come up against. he thinks everyone's in lvoe w/ him, everyone's jocking him, bla bla bla.

he probably thinks i'm helplessly in love with him right now. we play a whole competitive game of who is in love with the other, whilest both of us fervently deny it. he's too childish for me to even consider something real. both our ears perked up over eachother, but neither of us stepped up. he's a latin nightmare when iit comes to close relations. but now i'm feelin like we can't go back to that fun, carefree friendship where i didn't care if he's hooking up in front of me and i get to play the room and etc. he was my running mate god damn it. now i feel unimportant to him, like he can easily just leave me. i want to know that he loves me and that we will always be real friends that runs deep.

i'm blathering. i have a fuckin job interview tomorrow that i have to give references and a writing sample to ... argg. and my beauty lill mind jumps on me for not being rich and famous and for not using people for their money and oppportunity. i've kept it real and on the level, and as a result, i feel like i'm missing something. something that i know doesn't make people happy. money, looks, advances, it doesn't gaurentee joy. i like that it doesn't, cuz i know that the true acquisition of joy is avail to almost anyone, including me. that's an even playing field. but i still feel like i want to make fuck off amounts of money and travel and show off how great it all is and date amazing people etc.

all of the sudden i feel an immense pressure to perform, to have something to show for in life. bragging rights? something to shove in the face of the cruel people in life. to show that i haven't failed, that i am just taking my time and am not going to be an old maid. i'm 28 now.no one i know is married at 28. no one. 37, 35 yes. this city is insane. the picket fence is on permanent pause. i feel like i have to have a success. fucking success.