2003-11-09 - 4:27 p.m.

i'm not so good at that whole not dating thing. since my committment not to date, i've been on two dates.

this one guy i hung out with today stole allll my muther fuckin mojo. like a syringe sapping my very essense. which i had little to start with since i have my fuckin period. and tonight i have at least two clients, how i'll get throu? maybe it'll be nice, the silence. the rythme. but i feel like crawlin back to bed and reading or better, watching movies and crying all night, while eating my brownies!! i feel all sad and maudlin. and bitchy, i crabbed at my friend cuz he's always talking about how last night everyone was jocking him.

THAT'S ALL HE TALKS ABOUT. is his borring fucking ego. he talks about how many chicks "jocked" him last night. about how some famous guy was there, and how he was ignored, whilest my friend was being "jocked". praise god, ego fufilled. isn't there more to life? did i hear about the art at the opening? no. the joy of the evening? no. just the jockin. so i told him off and his feelings were really hurt, cuz he usually gleefully reports this to me as some conviction to gget me to see how many people dance off his jock so that i too will eventually bow down to the great jock and rock him in bed. puuuleeezzzz.

i went on a really quality date last night. first one in a while where i actually wanted to kiss the guy. i didn't just want to kiss i wanted to snuggle up and retire. my very sensitive cat liked him too, cuz he's very refined and gentle. he called today, but i'm clearly not fit to be speaking to anyone today.

but he's a tough kiddy for me. he lives from a different place. he's a year younger and can afford to fly to africa to write for as many months as he wants. he's got crusty *old* money. i don't even have new money. i jsut have simple joy. but i know he must be used to dating women who dress, and who can drink chilean wines and order with the right pronunciation. and i say fuck in every tenth sentance despite myself. he was really open last night, i felt it in his eyes. and our conversation is keen. i want to snuggle him. i wonder where the hell this will go. he is always leaving, to here for some art thing, then swinging by there to some swank worldly thing. then he wants to fly to another continent. so i wonder if i'm just to pass the time while in town? whatever, can i care? i prefer to be left alone anyway. i'm really resentful cuz i haven't had anytime to do my creations. none. i've been working, socializing, and sick. now i have my period, am still a bit sick, and have work.

ARG.

tomorrow i get to start all over. i just want to sleep and eat sugar. comprendo dolls? i need some tlc.