2003-11-05 - 12:17 a.m.

i've hit a fucking bottom tonight. a bottom with a firm cement ending. a bottom with exchanging anything with men who want to 'date'. i can't take it. i;'ve got to cut off any and all interactiions. friends ONLY. and limited at that. i felt so uncomfortable tonight on this date with a superfluous, unconscious mess. i'm so sick of men that i date. i'm sick of feeling their bearing control clutches landing down on my skin. i'm sick of them trying to tell me what to do. i've never needed space like this. alllll i want is to be left alone to create, hours on end and to come out of the creative cave for fresh air and friends.

it's awkward becuz i'm feeling more ready than ever in my life, for the 'real deal'. i feel almost wide open. i feel almost completely ready. my heart fluid and maliable. but not for some smuck who demands time. this is a precious space for very few.

i just need time to myself with this. i'm sick of all of the skin/wild adventures. i'm out of that phase. i'm sick of falling madly in love with impermanence. i'm sick of giving pieces of myself.

what's wierd is that i met with the original heart breaker, the one from when i started this diary, today for lunch. i appologized for all the caos i caused at that time. he agreed, that i cause unruley caos and he added that i was very closed at the time. which i still find shocking. i thought i was open, too open. too everything. he is currently dealing with a heartbreak, he said it was the first time he loved since me. hell, if i'm so closed then how have i fallen in love since him, earlier and loved many in between all of them?

my "friend" i went to ny w/ is paging me obsessively tonight. this is following our discussion earlier that we will really only pursue a pure friendship. obviously we diverted a bit. he just can't stand that i won't sleep with him. and by the way, i don't even want to sleep with anyone. my ears hardly perked at the news that that hot german i had the AMAZING fling w/ in mexico will be here for school in jan. i just can't get a rise.

ya know what? i think i'm a little slow. i heal YEARS after a scar. i'm still scathing over ben. i'm still tender over that original hurt. i'm still in complete denial that i can't just call my grandma today and tell her everything like always. grandma. she finally left, her spirit departed while i was in nyc, friday morning. the opal in her ring fell out and i felt her truely gone. she drove me crazy towards her end. and she was still someone that was in my life every single day that i knew this world. she was my backer and the reason i wanted to call and tell her my art successes. she was the one i wanted to tell about the benefit and the new 23 year old and tell her all about the trip to new york. i'd give anything to call her right now, this late wake her up and .

i hate the way she fell and shriveled back into our earth. her body rebeling so violently against her. the 'goodbye' in the ER was so surreal. i was out of body, as was everyone, including her. we were all numb and unconscious.

the smell of her house. sometimes i will have cooked chicken or something and i'll come home later, and the warmpth will ease my memories into her place. the safest place i found. how do any of us know how we will be missed. how do i know that i exhist at all. how do i know that others will cry uncontrollable for me like this? it can't penetrate my heart. i am cold to that. i'm absolutely invisible to the understanding of how i effect or land on other's hearts. how i've changed them. ruined them. invigorated or inspired them. i've been told with words that float by like text typed into the sky. letters pounding punctually just above me.

and here we are. stuck to this linear experience. i don't know whats ahead and i can't just fucking go back and smell that smell of blue carpet and old candy and frigerator and clean. i can't go back and look into her eyes and just fucking love her and talk to her about how many years she's meant to me. how much i was cradled by her in the caotic flames of my burning family. how much ironic strength and utter stubborness so bore into me with out a thought or impulse to create it.

i'm just done. i'm done with seeking in comfort from men. i'm done with validation and i'm done with exploration.

i'm turning in. i'm coming home.

lonliness will recreate me.

the spirit will recover me.

and when *that* person comes along, i will see them, clearly becuz there will be no clutter around. i will know. i will crack wide open and surrender.

i've come to a fine point with my career, i've cut all the fluff and have gotten honest and have acted with sterling integrity, no matter how much longer the road. now i need to be that specific with the relationship i have with myself, my art and eventually a potential partner.

as sharp as is pinpoint.

as oceanic as is endless