2003-11-05 - 7:03 p.m.

i'm feeling a real sense of stale lethargy today and i feel fucking ripped off. i wanted that new york energy to burn thro me and keep me moving here. but the LA sun and my patterns here seep in and blow me off.

there's so much bs i have to do. pay bills, juror duty, traffic school, clean house, laundry. i feel like everytime i do it and feel carte blanc, i turn to see my place a disaster, buried bills etc.

i'm almost finicky. more than anything feeling irritable cuz i'm fighting off a cold and so i haven't done anything physical to feel good fast. no sex either as you saw b4 in my last entry. and i'm even feeling gunshy to work on my art revisions i have due.

my "friend" keeps calling me and i desperately need fuckiing space from him. he's always commenting on me and trying to control and manipulate me and if there's only one thing you need to know about me, is that i can not be controlled, and if one tries they will surely loose me.

i want to get the maid to clean, but i feel guilty to spend the money when i have less of it, and have the time to do it. but i'm stuck deep in this slightly ill lethargy, let honey, so tenderly keeping me down.

i want to have my type A - amazing energy back. i want to get a million things done in a day. i want to feel productive and righteous and foxy hot. i want to feel blazing inside my head, not full of a sandstorm settling pebbles of doubt, fear and ridiculousness into my skin.

listening to the message he left...

"let me tell you one little thing, you don't even say anything to me, call me...bla bla bla."

i felt like if i only had free time. i have all evening. and i'm tempting to piss it away.

what's the line between thought and action?

like that river killer who murdered 48ish women. where was the line between his thought and action?

ii hate headspaces like these, i spend a multitude of days chasing away moments like these. how do i get out of it? wait i suppose. cuz they always pass and then i'm moving again. my family worked an idea of complete immobility into me. when someone would take to the couch mold would impound a new colony before said member of communal blood sources would exit. that's a spanky style sentance.

i won't admit defeat to this familial depressive, lethargic, inactivity, fear based bull shit. but all i want to do tonight is eat fuckin brownies, check out, watch movies. or read at the very most. clean house? get 'ahead"? ahead of who exactly?