2003-10-13 - 11:27 p.m.

i think i need to end it w/ luke. which is sad cuz i think we could conquer the world together. i love his heart, his spirit, his committment, spirituality and loyalty. i love the way he communicates and let's me be where i'm at. allows all of the feelings and is so strong and calm with it.

but he's fucking irritating. and i don't even want to have sex with him anymore because of it. first of all, he drops a "duce" every morning, first thing and it's just too visible on my visual pallette. he's whiney, and gooshy all over me and kissing me too much and smuthering!

and he talks to much of a spiritual game. saying, we should 'contemplate' that or this. always saying "i want to support this persons journey" or "i honor you for that". but he's always saying it, like some canned corn. i told him i don't contemplate crap. one night he walked two blocks behind me, cuz he was on the cell phone w/ his fuckin dad, instead of saying hi, and walking w/ me. it was at night and i didn't know it was him behind me. it creeped me out..is that irrational? or was his manuever wierd?

plus his dad already pisses me off to high heaven. he anally try's to mold and perfect and guide and utterly control luke with his advice and shaping and direction and life coach and etc. freedom anyone?

i hate when people i date are too attached to their parents and are still on the nip trying to please them. i told my padres to fuck right off early on, and i seperated myself. now we have a good relationship. i can't stand when people never individuated, they are still waiting for mommy to send the resumae or daddy to tell them what job to get. and further more he and some guy are studying tonight, and the guy is staying over. staying the night folks. can we all spell out g*a*y? gay as a muther fucker. or i'm sorry, are guys so evolved now that you'all are allowed to have chick style study and slumber parties? yeah the guy lives farther away and wants to get up early to go to class, but i find it *very* strange and fag'a'mutherfuckin'licious.

so i told him tonight that i want space cuz we fought *again* this morning. and now i want to go make out with someone else. i secretly want to make out with one of my best guy friends and i think, know, he does too. but we both love our friendship and from afar, i'm not attracted to him. but i love him and am attracted to his fire and how fucking hip and energized and sexy he is. but it ends there. and so would our friendship end there. jsut over the simple exploration. he's dropped hints that he would drop his swinging style to fall in lvoe. later that night he was makin out with a drunk blond. it was sexy. i could of made out with this adorable guy, but i couldn't cuz of luke and i'm just borred with random sexual experiences, as you'll read in my archives, i've had a plentitud of those. and i want more from anothers selfhood than a lodging tongue. i want depth. i want sticky, rich lasting love. i feel like my picky meter has now reached an all time HIGH. i won't even waist a moment on someone that is slightly not right. and whoever i explore next, i really want to take it slowly.

i am feeling good about life. soemtimes tho, i feel like others move at neckbreaking pace, where as i am the turtle, slowing myself so that i can stop and enjoy life. but then i feel like i get nothing done. i'm not aggressive and i don't push my art work thro the birthing canal like others who have some inherant need and some big push.

whatever.

i've been saying that word since i learned how to talk.

it was what i always said. but i couldn't pronounce the r.