2003-06-08 - 6:00 p.m.

i'm wavering between this place of intensly loving my life and feeling quiet and internal and reserved against the beauty and possibility.

crazy crazy shit. it's as if life won't allow me to slow and immerse myself in the sinking sorrow of losing my grandma. it's ignited a sadness so deep in me and an anger somehow.

which recently got unleashed on a woman who i rolled into with my car and there WAS NO DAMAGE and she had the odascity to imply that she'd seek damages. and FLEW off, something to the effect that if she went after me for money, i'd find her and make her everyday a living hell. it was a real moment in the progress of my sagehood-yo.

somehow i ended up in a charity show last night at the bergamont station. it was such an honor. i always had pipe dreams of showin there, and i had a little taste test to it. and i saw ben stiller. very short. very.

by the way, i've been posing nude for a semi famous sculptor. it's been interesting. let's just say a show of how far i've come in bbody image issues.

the x, surfer, keeps making surprise appearances. he's noodled his way into telling me the break up just isn't going to work out. it's sad, but now i feel done. really done and nearly borred by it. which is bad cuz i've lured him into sayin how much he loves me cuz i needed to hear it. i needed to just be taken care of and held after gramma. and all he does is fight and imply, 'get over it' or try to compete for who has it worse. it's obsurd!! but now i have a funny sensation that i owe him something, that i can't let him down by taking care of myself and letting him go. but i feel very held back by being with him. i feel like it's squandered energy and i use the going bback to torture myself then punish myself later. neet huh?

i've got so much going on right now. i wonder how i float at all. and i have a zit on my cheek that feels like a small, firey island puckering my entire face. volcaneous. yes i made that word up.

i hope you are well and out creating kindness in this mad mad world.