2003-05-24 - 2:49 p.m.

i'm somewhere between lavender, grey and a shooting amber, clear dark wheat color.

i haven't had words for u, becuz i no longer have them for me.

things i still like.

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23 year old boys to play with (currently two on the pallatte. victor, adorable surfer and eric, trouble making bartender who is terribly sweet).

asian soda pops with glass marbles incased in the head of the bottle.

masterbation, and better yet, good sex.

thoughts of my yoga retreat and fanatasies of sleeping with my baby blue yoga instructor. he's amazing, and tell me that that flexibility wouldn't come in handy??

my book i'm engrossed in and the book club i started.

eating.

surfing.

things i don't particularly like

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the answer no.

that cocksucker who claims he's the president of this land that calls itself a country.

going to the vet dr. on a saturday to have eddie be seen for something the fucking quacker could of treated that last time i came in.

the fuckin bill.

laundry.

thoughts of running into my ex.

not being able to get stoned or drunk at my will.

my gramma dying.

*********************

i'm very uncomfortable. very.

barely breathing.

angry.

regressed.

quiet.

one grandma jean who has been with me for twenty-seven years passed away suddenly and i didn't get to say goodbye.

everything was going really well. i was on a hot upswing. i went surfing, and my aunt called and i was crushed to floor in fetal sobbing. i grabbed my keys and drove to san diego, nothing under a 100mph. emergency side road in traffic, flew in and her body was pumpin to keep something alive, but she was already gone. i don't know where she was. if she heard me.

20 min.s later i had to race back up to LA for work all day long. turn around the next day and tend to the services. she died sunday. it's a nice day to die, sunday. i spoke at the funeral. the eulogy. everyone approached me after and said the talk effected. asked if i'd publish it, if i'd send it to them, that some didn't know her and were crying.

i said what she needed said and what my cousins needed to hear.

i teeter between wanting complete solitude and then getting sucked back into this that is life.

i hate being sucked out. but friends still have birthdays and 23yr olds need me to surf with them.

but all i want is to stay in and read and eat brownies. and if i am the way i was, i'd stay in and have cuba libre's with lime.

it's that solitude sensation, of not answering the phone. not wanting to show up. resenting it all. sleep walking.

she was with me my whole life. we talked every week. the last time we talked she irritated me and i don't think we chatted since. that hurts. i just wanted one last talk. one last hug. one thing i wanted to tell her. she was actually doing so much better. i wanted to share in that with her.

no one understands and i don't feel like talking to anyone about it. i didn't tell people for days and refuse to tell anyone who i date. i just told them i was visiting family.

and i am in the thick of it. no time to go cave living. i have work in san fransico next week, i have a shoot for that dumb low budget film that drags out over the entire year. i have project deadlines that i set, and am accountable to my lady for. i have bullshit to attend. i have a list the size of our national deficeit to tend to. i need extra days i don't have. and all i ask is a day to run away. just read away. be away. so the hurt can settle.

how can i talk myself out of this? i say it's just old age and expected. but it still feels like a strange puzzle. walking into her place, it smelling like her and her just not there to hug me. how do i let go and say goodbye? she was my compadre. she bragged to all her ladies about me. i'm so depressed. i'msorry i am so depressed.

i brought home some towels of hers. they smell of her and i ache that the smell will fade and i'm have nothing. that i have to let of all of it.