2003-05-12 - 11:14 a.m.

i stopped breathing somewhere around ten a.m. today.

i've had too many decisions to make and anxieties over them.

but the weekend was phenominal.

ps. thursdays date NEVER CALLED. and i found out that he lied to me about his job title too. what a daffy fruit. but no worries loyal readers, i already had another date lined up by six pm.

he's this guy i met, get this, at a raw foods party. buyer beware. all u east coasters must be snickering, but skit wit dis..it was this community party with serious old hippy's nearly clothesless, and younger hip kids. dj music, malibu house on a cliff overlooking the ocean and the setting moon. we danced, sat by the fire and listened to trippers sing, rap, fire dance.

so i took this guy home with us. we only had a make out session at that point. he's a composer, working musician. down to earth. nice. semi-interesting. we had sex after the second date. lord all fuckin mighty. i can't believe my complete submission to immediate gratification! it was great gratification tho!! nice chemistry. very sweet and sensual and appreciative of every inch.

but i got back from this incredible yoga retreat and met up with him, he off from a party that ended at 4a.m. with a spritzer of cocaine. that drug is like a needle in your marrow sucking the very life out of you. i was told that b4 and it didn't stop me. i felt that during and it didn't stop me. i was loosing everything about myself and that didn't stop me. so it unnerves me that he's newly dabbling in the devils drug.

and i came back so high and he was so sapped of life. i didn't want to intermingle with him at all. his eyes barely with me.

there was this guy on the retreat, he is married with a popper on the way. but he is the type i want. he respects and loves his wife so completely and he's strong, dynamic, full of life, respectful, humble, attractive, vivacious, and into the spiritual search.

on the retreat my girl and i got roomed with this mega talent agent. at first her aggressive energy spun me off, but we bonded after the sweat lodge and now she's going to help me with stuff. interesting.

the retreat was at a pure, glassy lake, see through with orange coi fish. we kayaked, yoga'ed, chanted, meditated and did this sweat lodge. and just like you can't describe the taste of love or the form of water or the color of blue, you can't describe a sweat lodge. but i can say it was one of the most intense i've ever done. people were running out, sobbing, loosin it, giving it up, breaking through, letting go and becoming new.

the heat is so intense that the dirt ground is sopping wet, my body dripping like a shower. the sensation getting me high, intoxicated. i prayed to let go of so much, the surfer, the self hate. prayed for family, asked for courage to step up to the plate and i had a real time asking for my broken heart to be healed and to let me love like i've never been hurt before, but with the added wisdom and intuition of experience.

the tent is pitch black, i'm surrounded by arms, intertwinded legs, sweaty backs, cryin women, chanting, water bristling on hot rocks and fierocity of wanting more. craving intensity. begging yes, while others wanted relief. then after four rounds the door is open to the world and you crawl out elevated. i tossed myself into the lake and swam as if the water was warm and made for a newborn baby. i walked out and stood more still then a tree, looking out at the lake the mountain the trees and feelin just for a few moments my self seperated from the body, becoming all that was around me, all that i am, all that is in me and in the world. a merging.

i can't wait to do it again. it has irrevocably changed my life. clearity. seeing in complete darkness.