2003-05-06 - 10:54 p.m.

just talking about eating vegan invigorates me with obsessive like thoughts of melty cheese burgers and malted vanilla milk shakes. shaka' shake.

i love cafeteria cheeseburgers. yes the cardboardy kind that is dry, dripping in red and yellow.

i feel better today. i woke up and got an impeccable amount of new work done. granted it's not the exact work i needed to do, but i felt totally propelling forward. the anger of last night spawned a lot of work as i suspected.

i was so fuckin pissed. i did a piece on it tonight in acting class and it was heavi-licious. i got to tell the truth of my anger and hunger.

i worked on my yoga instructor today (massage) and he said later that i have a gift. i feel that too. i felt it in the session. i really let go of thinking whether he would be judging how i did and that he would know i was a fool. i'm feeling much more confident with it and not easily broken. we were on the very edge of the ocean, the water flowing just below us. he is sexy in a very female way. i think there might be sexual tension. but he may have a lady. i liked his place. he's also a surfer. very into india. a sensitive soul. gentle. it was fun, but i saw my wall again. that thing that keeps my heart from being totally oopen. i'm realizing how gaurded i am to intimacy. i thought it was just an adorable joke before.

no. i don't like holding eye contact and being really seen or known. i have a hard time with new hugs. i can't sustain an intimate moment. but i enjoy the challenge of it. i can grow deeper into it. i've done it with some people.

the surfer really called me out on my walls, saying how i can't get close and that i'm always pushing people at an arms length. he said he's afraid of not being loved and i said i'm afraid of being left. i didn't love him 'enough' and he always left.

i want to wake up at the crack and surf early.

i've felt great about my life today. i've felt centered, meditative, excited about what is going on and all the feeling of possibility.

i'm still angry and hurt that surfer hasn't taken it all back and desperately wanting me. i'm hurt he's into some new fuckin broad.

in better news that new crush called and asked me out for thursday night. i can't WAIT to make out with him. he's so dynamic and TOTALLY wrong for me.

did i mention that he's an alcoholic?

pattern much? whatever. i'm intriged by disruption and turned on by corruption.