2003-05-05 - 11:50 p.m.

i am so angry i can barely tell you. i'm hosting red fumes bursting. i'm so pissed that i want to react and rebel and buy a fifth or at least smoke a fucking pack.

that cunt that i dated the surfer made a guest appearance tonight.

i fucking hate him. hate him.

hate h.i.m. beyond. i accidentally called him after i hooked up with that guy. i know I'M SICK.

sick delicious.

anyway, and the long of it is he came over tonight and kissed me and then told me that he has had sex, in fact he's sleeping with the same person who he's seen several times, but isn't 'seeing'.

i was so hurt, that in a month he's basically already into someone new, completely and won't jilt her for me.

my ego is crushed. and maybe it fuckin has to be for me to move on and not get lost again with him. cuz he's a vindictive prick who is an amatuer and is always threatening to walk out the door if i'm not giving him enough.

maybe i push for it all to be such a severe cut in my heart, that i'm left totally incapable of going back. cuz apperently doing whats healthy for me isn't enough for me to move the fuck on. i've got to get slaughtered.

i'm so hurt. i feel like the way he felt about me, which was intense, is able to be wiped away like raindrops on a windshield. like i was that easy to replace and now he likes HER. who the fuck is this her?? who is she? what does she do? does she want to read with him like me? and the sex?? he's had continuous sex with her. how is she better? do they spend a lot of time together??

i'm so angry. i'm so hurt. I KNOW i was the asshole with him, i slept with him and dated others. so yes i get it. but i'm still enflamed beyond a bombfire. i'm jetted. i'm burnt. i'm chared.

how could he. then to throw it in my face under the guise of 'being honest'. scuse me doll. fuck off. i threw some seriously violent words at him. i can't believe he sat through it.

so nothing came of it. but a god damn good incentive to get back at him through my expression. my work. i used to photograph, downtown LA 3am. to express back at the 'him's'. express by abrasive strokes of color and hiding in shadows among thugs, homeless and the worst scum of the world: cops trolling to beat on people and abuse skins.

so it's a motivator at the least. but he cares about her now, won't give her up or the sex with her. unbelieveable, so i'm committing to not call and to let go of him and my obsession to manipulate him back just to fuckin prove something and be evil. maybe they are meant to be together.

and the ONE THING I KNOW is that i did all of this to fragment myself from doing the work i've been asked to do. the project in the last entry. one of my biggest dreams come true and i have to stay focused and do the work. and i knew i would sabotage be causing drama and distracting myself. well i got my fill.

now i've got to get evil focused and dump the anger and the everything into my work. where it belongs. one of the only places it's ever belonged.