2003-05-05 - 3:06 p.m.

wow i'm in a serious yellow, foul, heavy, slow mood.

attributed to nothing tangible, but the various black and blue tender spots, welts on my heart from so long ago, u'd assume they would of healed. they just keep enveloping new elevations. whenever there's a chance to feel good and move ahead, old bruises impair me. like my spirit getting pounded by a circle of gangster fists flying on babygirl skin.

i'm so sad.

i'm so.

i'm.

release. i couldn't even do yoga, i just curled into resting position while wet ones streamed silently down chalky cheeks.

it's obsurd!!

one of the most positive news rang my phone this a.m. and i collapse under it all.

collapse. and fall. and go away. and hide. and implode.

where i came from, this is no surprise. response to good is that it'll be tempted and quickly taken. that i'll be hit or forgotten. and worst of all ignored.

then later in life i took the slice and cut it through my own skin when no one was left to continue with it. i come from so much self abuse and hate. hating with sex. hurting and succombing and rolling inwards. and throwing up everything i stuff violently down. throwing up to hurt me like fast hard slaps of burning rageful anger. drinking and using as if i burned the end faster i'd come to some conclusion.

every single stride forward i feel the thousand of pins in my skin reminded me of some deeply imprinted sensation about myself stomping me back.

i just want to fucking let myself believe it's okay. i deserve it.

it's been years that i've suspended the abrupt abuse upon myself. sure i've gotten fist hits in with suddle torture via relationship insanity and the nawing voice chirping at me like a parrot on crack. years. am i ready. can i step up? people are waiting, believing i can, i won't, i already am.

what is this all spawning from? the benefit i throw is stepping up and i have a team of fifteen looking to me to move it ahead and help the team. and i marvel that they even believe me.

the main reason i'm spinning slow wheels of weight this day is cuz the thing i pitched has been accepted for representation by two places and i expected across the board no's and months of not hearing anything. this is a first stage, doesn't mean i make money till they move it forward. i still can get resounding denials and disappointments, but to have two people now competing for my idea is insane and sickening in an odd way.

see there are people that have entitlement issues. but i have the opposite. when i was little i had dreams of being invisible. constantly unheard. thinking i don't deserve much of this little life. so it's very contrary to think i get a little piece of this life i'm carving out.

in a few days i have to do some more work, lots of legwork for the project, then i'd theoretically sign with one of the two and move forward.

i'm honestly terrified. almost paralyzed. and so what do i do, call the x and reek havok last night, demand he drop everything and come over. (he didn't, i guess he grew a backbone or had a really hot date). i jsut need to stay home with myself and do the work and stay very centered. and not talk about it so god damn much cuz it fragments me (i'm not talking about here, this is home, but out there to randoms and silly people).

and i've had so many clients and bookings. i need the money to save for next weekends retreat and for nyc trip. but it doesn't leave me time to get my shit together or work on the project or feel at all sane.

i've got a client today whose work might be in the art opening of the benefit and he's an older famous actor. so i have to have the energy to go and babysit his idea's and be very present and i think i only have ounces left. i fell asleep at 7.30 last night. slept four hours the night before, i had myself a lill' too much fun. met a delicious guy who is of course a drunk and hasn't called. and i worked all day sat and sunday. i haven't had time off in a while.

so i'll let u know..