2003-06-19 - 10:36 a.m.

i've had the most vivid and telling dreams.

i dreampt of finally sitting those college sorority chicks down and telling them off and how horrible they were and how i awknowledge it and won't accept that treatment ever in my life now. i was calm and solid.

last night i dreampt of my mom saying she would die early and me grabbing her, like i was grabbing what i can't control in life and screaming my inacceptance of the unpredicability of it all. saying that she has to stay around to teach me how to be a mom and that we've always waited to share that with eachother and that i'm not ready and can't rush it.

them i dreampt of my brother and i in london, about to go out. and i wondered if i should call ben. ben. i miss him inside. i wonder about him.

i am spending time witht the surfer. i collapsed into him crying about grandma and he was actually really great. just held me till i was done and then we stayed up and talked. when we get close and open up, it's like a suddle magic. but i don't respect his job. it's cheesy hollywood crap. and he's insane let's not forget. but we are still tangled up in eachother and i wonder what the hell.

i have others on the boy roster. lunch date tomorrow with an overly anxious one. where i feel directionless and so far from a partnership in my love life, i feel focused and fabulous with work.

but i am curious how it'll all work itself out. how i'll meet 'the' partner and 'settle' down when i'm so scattered and far from it. i spend a lot of time with the wrong one and in the meantime with 23year olds. ha. it's a fun, selfish life.

:*)