2003-04-05 - 4:31 p.m.

thanks appetizer, i have read "cunt". at the time i was dating someone who also read it and we called him a cunt lovin man. ps. i don't smoke.

but fuck, somedays i'd love to.

i went to a casting thing today and it smarts. like a fast slap on the ass, left pink and tender and wondering, shit did i do something wrong?

on a salvagable note, the writing project is coming along like a swift toss of tail. my partner and i are at a last stage and i'm feeling positive about it. it's like a hidden trap door, that if my other art work isn't working, this might. haha.

i'm doing the food detox to the faultiest of my ability.

i won some goregous gardening gloves at a party last night. i'll use them to scrub things.

tomorrow i'm going to visit some fish at an aquarium with surfer. he's gone off the deep end adoring me, and now i'm beginning to think it's an indecent scheme. like he's amping up the sugar, to break my heart three fold, just to get back at me for me accidentally hurting him.

one ounce of selfknowledge that i've been succombing to..i'm a selfish ghostdogged killer. i'm a very selfish human. i had the potential at one point to be more sage like, but somewhere in the skin frenzy i lost out to living in the cage of self protection. protect and serve the only person i come home to at night, me!

oh silly, yes yes. i still am a "do-gooder", volunteering all the time, helping others out, giving random cactus like gifts for no reason. but that is a selfish gesture as well, because IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER. it's very ayn rand.

listen i want you to know that books are my only solace. when i go out at night or am having sex, my only thoughts are that this finishs up so that i can read. my body wants to be in a book. my body wants to be these characters. i want to eat sentances crafted like a soft orgasm, like honey poured on pure white skin. thoughts crafted by a magician of words. they are unbearable to me sometimes. i have to stop and read them twice. and again to fill up from them. to shudder and my skin is alert and sunk far deep into a cloud of self forgetting.

i'm gone.

just like that. bills are gone. ben is gone. rape is gone. brownies are gone. hurt is gone. wrinkles are gone.

and only a whole other world exists for me.

i dreampt such a vivid scene, in a room, group, dorm. we were being told that tomorrow we go into battle. to kill or be killed and i looked deep into my friends eyes across the room. i love this friend, this kind, light heart. and we both knew. he slipped out of the two story wooden house, then i. we snuck away in a small tin like blue hatchback, through a dusty city. we the only white people. i felt bare and like a target with no direction, no place to go or hide or survive. then we got to a check point. we didn't have id, some other mysterious white woman with black hair, said come with our group, we'll take care of you. she was on the inside of the country's belly. living by them, because she always had for years and was accepted. she was peaceful.