2003-04-02 - 10:04 p.m.

the surfer sensed i had a date, couldn't take it, asked for committment or bust...again, we broke up, again...he came back and had had sex with someone else in between.

and he couldn't get a rise out of me even with that new info. all i wanted to know is what she looked like, both in a competitive way and in some twisted sexual way. to know how big he can score and to imagine them. is she blond. where did they? how does her body curve. did all the clothes come off? was it furious or daresay, tender?

he is 'sober' now. has been for a bit. he is damn happy and much more clear. so nice to be around. but all that is gobbled up for granted as other defects insist on being seen. like obsessiveness. i hate to sound narsisitic, but i think he'd agree..i have a feeling that i've demasculated this man.

i'm beyond therapy.

i'm insanity that has no solution, so i just keep on living.

i feel really good today. quiet and peaceful.

spring time. i love the blooming. i'm doing more meditation, visualization and a food detox, which to me never means stop eating. ineb never skips meals.

i haven't had a lot of work and i'm lavishing in laziness, which won't last cuz my bills insist on me working.

both guys i'm dating asked me out thursday and both are unavail on the weekend. i hate that. can't we ALL just get along? i'm so apathetic in my relationship life. careless. guileless. it feels so unimportant to me, yet i know there is some 'best by' date stamped on my ovaries. it's a very suddle panic fluttering deep inside of me.

something that sicked me out in college was a friend who said 'ovary envy' as opposed to penis envy. she was a very misguided blond sorority girl 'feminist' who took joy in other females defeat.

i'm not sure that i'll ever make money off of my creative ventures, but i keep trying. i keep stepping up and forward and i feel it. i feel possibility, but just as easily, i feel illusion and fantasy.

the clouds today were incredible paintings in the sky. i have a holy terror of the wind. today at the beach people were knocked down by the gust. i stood in it to push myself. an electricity rose, rambled and tickeled out of me until every muscle relaxed to what feels like the living metaphor of relaxing in caos and through a feeling of out of control. that is how to face all of it. stand in the wind and calm.

some day, far off, i would like to fall in love again and feel passionate for someone and nervous for them to come over and bubbli at their call and excited by their touch. full up.

full up. when i was teaching some sixth grader who has more wealth than my block of neighbors, he said when he looks at people less fortunate he feels full up.

i hope you saw the clouds today. just see.