2003-03-17 - 8:30 a.m.

i'm really uncomfortable that the idiot posing as the president is ramroding our country to war. i hope that the rest of the world knows that it is this administration and not our people as a whole. i couldn't breath hearing the reports this morning. like someone grabbed the breath from a stale choke hold.

sat. night i ended things with the surfer. he just was always pushing something. always little comments on how i wasn';t giving enough. we are both sensitive and stubborn. he is all these amazing things to me, but together we are sandpaper. he just accepted all the fighting, everything along with all the good. which flattered me to be fully accepted. but i can't live like that. there is too much divorce impounding me. it was fucking wierd cuz he was saying everything i had said in the breakup with ben. i felt everything ben must of felt and i desperately wanted to protect surfer from feeling the hurt and rejection i have ached from. i don't want to make someone else feel that way. i don't want him to close up or beat himself up. i really love him. and i don't want to hurt him by hanging out now or stringing it out the way ben did to me. that was the worst of it. ben beggin me to come to england, only to act indifferent when i got there. he was cruel and selfish by default. i don't want to prolong his hurt. or treat him like something i can string along. but i do want to see him. i want to make it all better for him. but i can't change what i want right now. something needed to change. we fought all the time. and we also had incredible conversation, creative juice, sex, and fun.

i hope it all works out for the best.

i was just caught up, going along with my life. we all are lost in our little framework (matrix) buying ikea and making it better while we simulataneously cause constant disaster. none of it matters, but cleaning our cubes and paying our bills sure seem to. what about falling in love. is that a part of the organization we yearn. or is that the one thing that falls beyond? the impulse to get better, get ahead, proceed, procreate. all for what? where our place is, we are. and we are the same whereever we are. we are left with ourselves. so what is it for? the possibility that in some part of the 'journey' we find relief that there actually is a purpose.

anyway...if you missed sunday's update, go back. cheers