2003-03-15 - 7:04 p.m.

i deserve a spanking for not updating. i'm sorry. will you have me back?

i've been dating that disasterous surfer. we fight like mad dogs and try to top eachother in our lunacy. i marvel at his wit. we share writting and creative idea's. it's more than stimulating. and he has cute arms, sexy, strong above me with a tattoo on each. and he's hard all the time. he thinks i'm sexy and right now that's enough. he's my age, how novel.

he wants us just to date eachother. aaaahhh. i hate that. h.a.t.e. that. every divorce story i hear about makes me flash forward to the years of misery we would bestow upon eachother.

my cousin and his wife are moving into a 'masterplan community'. it sounds like a hell worse than prison to me. you get to pick your cell and also be a member of the golf club. they have manifested everything i don't want in life.

now the surfer is coming over and i was looking forward to a nice night by myself. a lill bzzt bzzt. candle lit bath, reading love in a time of cholera.

wooaa. have you read the story of the eye? shit if you have ms eyeball.

everything, but my perspective, has remained unfluctuated.

auditions yeah yeeah.clients.

hey did you know two clients flew me on their private jet to aspen? no, silly, i didn't have to sleep with them. they are incredible people, but aspen was like being forcing your head into a bag full of hot diahrea. everyone had the idea that they had finally 'made it' to aspen, and now they had to snub all the other wanna be socialite, graceless pigs. no class. no class. it was a depressing bore. not to mention i had found out i didn't get an epic part in a LA/NYC/Toronto play and it broke my heart. i was in a third call back, told i had one of the strongest reads, and only three womenwere left. it took me a while to recover from that disappointment.

i hope surfer and i don't fight tonight, i'm not up to the torture. i'm not even up for sex. and he's been nipping for it.

i've been thinking and dreaming of ben. hurt. i can't believe how rejected i feel/felt. and i can't believe he hasn't called. he must really be involved with someone new. god damn.

it hurts. and yes, i still really love him.

i bought the cutest rock miniskirt with a red scottish part hidden behind solid black.

all for now my kittens and katz. much love. hope your well and that the face you find in front of you is one that you can muster up pink thoughts for.