2003-02-15 - 10:43 a.m.

i was talking to my brother this morning about his self destructive spiral amidst his rising art fame and through our words i birthed my own epiphany....

although i'm not in the throws of serious destruction, ei. boozin or barfin, chipping away at myself has become a more suddle carving. harder to see or soften.

it has 'man'ifested itself in my choices in men.

i've got one on each shoulder; the man whose boozed and smoked out hair reminds me of home and comforts my heart. then the guy who is everything, so far, that a 'healthy' self would draw with grey chalk and sketch pad. yet with him i have to work. spiritually. i have to step up to the plate and be honest and be real. and with the other..i get to be as roucous and unaccountable as the lunatic in me can be. with him, there is no tomorrow and no consequences and no children. with the other there is everything i believed it could be secretly as a child. everything in a happy partnership, where there is calm and love and a union.

we are talking about the surfer, who is the 'suspended' drinker and a new guy who was my client. the new guy is the one i've been thinking about for months, and apperently he thinking about me. we went hiking and on one date. on that date i was crawling out of my skin because it all felt so foreign to be with this upstander.

both treat me really well. the surfer is trying to win me, and i have a feeling that the dance would end if he succeeded. the gifts and goofy lostness in his eyes gone if i submitted. i doubt its bouyancy.

the other is so brand new that i can't assess. but so far he has been incredible. so much so that it scares me. we had great conversation on the hike. he is so upstanding, so far. from vermont, friends still with those from kindergarden, dad a vetrinarian, mom a school administrator. nicest guy. hot too. hot body. tall, handsome, but doesn't carry himself like he knows it. he is humble. used to competitively ski. he's scattered with work, not sure still what he wants to do. although he says he's never cheated and he seems so sweet, but he met me while he was still in a relationship. but they were ending and he never called till there were months into done. and he said that i am the only person he is dating or has wanted to date. which was really flattering. and my feathers have inflated at the thought that two guys are only wanting to date me and i could care the less.

i feel like something cool has poured over the feeling center of me and it's so arduous to access. it's almost as if i lie. telling the surfer words of promise, of love, of a rolling into eachother. but then, just as easily an afternoon with him, and an evening with another. it's cruel, and i've realized it's self destructive because i feel like shit at the core of me. and it's destructive because again, i've picked someone who is alcoholic and hasn't worked through it. and i feel so at home with him. but i know that is such a dangerous choice. volitle. he has a temper, not that i have seen, but have tasted through his stories about himself. as if he wants to warn me. i love him. it's easy to love someone who is my father again. i've always loved my dad. i want nothing more than to be loved by him, even if it's by someone who merely reminds me of him.

but the vermont guy. he feels foreign. like everything i once thought could be for me. and somewhere with all the heart breaking, i lost belief. i'm so synical to him, and he's already pointed it out. the purity of me seems to have rusted. can it be shined back?

and here's the joke. both are out of town for valentines day. and the whole weekend. which has been great already for perspective. but will i have the courage to make my choices? or will i continue to rudderlessly be choosen?

but it's fun, because i always wanted to be pursuited. like with ben i had to step up. he rarely showed me. or romanced me, or worked for my attention other than doing handstands. these guys are working and i'm just letting them, finally.

a vision for myself? that i make a choice that is healthy for me. that i actually choose and be proactive. that if i try the vermonter, that i take my time for once and continue to let him try. to go slow. to be honest with the surfer and have integrity. because i feel like lately i've been so grey and inconsistent and mean. not clean.