2003-01-27 - 10:57 p.m.

my cheese tastes like goat dung, and i love it. the stinkier the better.

i've been strange lately.

the surf guy is still in the pix. and not really anyone else, that i can remember. hmm oh but i did meet someone new that i would like to torture.

surf guy is already dropping i love you bombs, and i'm not so innocent either. i'm a fool. a damn insane fool. i think the best compliment i've ever received was when he called me a lunatic.

it really made me relax into a state of home.

money. i really wish i had more of it. abundant levels of it.

my millionaire client farted tonight. i guess we are all human.

i've been really hard on myself lately. beating myself up till i am a mere hopeless pulp.

and here's par for the horse...i thought it'd be wise of me to go from loving a 24yr old who doesn't live in mycountry to a complete self-admitted alcoholic. now that's available for me.

maybe meeting someone and marrying really is a myth. maybe more so cuz i know it isn't any of their faults. i'm therapized enough to know that it's me who is terrorfied and unavailable. freeked of finding someone who actually is ready. which is made simple and easy in this town where everyone is single and marriage is for your forties.

i'm always so much happier when i'm purely single. and i've been really naughty lately not returning calls of those in hot pursuit of the ineb. i've just hid from them. i'd rather be up front and make up some lie, like i just have too much on my plate, or i'd rather keep us as friends. ouch.

i've had nightmares about ben everynight for a week. or more. mostly of him rejecting me.

sometimes i feel like a feather caught up in the wind, carried off by some storm. i don't feel like i'm guiding this adventure at all. i fall in and out of affairs. i'm afraid to choose. i'm afraid to hurt or let go.

i'm a lunatic.