2003-01-14 - 10:11 a.m.

i'm just so sick of my own story. i waited, i think five whole dates to sleep with the surf guy.

and i'm feeling horrible cuz i know he's hooked. and i'm not.

particularly after we had sex. i lost interest.

and the sexual composition wasn't quite right either.

WHY WHY WHY my loyal loving readers, do i always give in to temptation. why can't i prefer or endure the wait for defered gratification. is it the curiousity? the self indulgence? or the way it chips away at myself and after all this work i still hate myself to this degree?

i fall right in. i guess five dates is better than one or two. so i could look at it as progress. but in the night i dreampt of ben at a cabin and some woman was interogating us and she liked him and it all felt out of control. and fuck, why why why do men insist on sappy crap? like looking into eyes.

stillness.

i can't.

i just can't now.

i don't know what it'll take. or who it'll take with.

i'm a compulsive crusher. i have crushes and then i'm off like a butterfly.

whatever right? i'm an 'adult', i can play if i want right? but i promised myself no sex till jan 29th.

i have a date with the guy i met at the holiday party this wednesday. but i'm already not entirely interested. he wants to get take out and rent movies for a first date. wow, what a wild night. should i also make sure to take out my dentures?

one more new crush.... this client i had months ago. we had an amazing connection, but he had a girlfriend. which was awkward, cuz i'm particularly respectful of that, but i wasn't as much that time, cuz i was so taken with him.

fast forward, he booked me out of the blue recently. and i was irritated thinking he wants a side girl, and i play seconds to no one. but they broke up and haven't spoken in six weeks.

i like him. he's the type that i'd actually want a relationship with. from vermont, a mountain man, hot, down to earth, humble, communicative, laughs really hard at my jokes, likes his family. is employed and creative. he seems not ready tho. at the end while we were talking, he didn't pull the trigger and lead up to anything later, no future plans etc. my friend thinks i should call him. i could call him and tell him of my acting class he was interested in. but i also want to wait till my dust settles. as i'm too caotic. and i want to see if he pulls the trigger. i don't want to be too forward and freek him out. does that freek guys out?? should i wait and let it go? or go for it. i realllly connected with him.

:)