2003-01-06 - 11:11 p.m.

I know you must be sick of hearing about my surfing. but it is like the best high, without any come down.

sometimes, it is all i think about. it is all my body remembers in the day.

i saw 'one hour photo' and heard robin and the director speak after. he is a very funny person. but at the end, he got in his auto and had to go home and lay his head on a pillow, like most of us. alone with himself.

the guy i met surfing called me and we are going out on wednesday and i haven't been so excited for a date in ages. i do think i like him, and in the same breath i'm preparing myself to be disappointed just to keep up with continuity. but he is witty, suddle, soft hearted, sweet. cute. and a surfer, who unfortunately i can

school on the stick.

i actually don't enjoy that. i do enjoy schooling all the other foololishious kooks out there, but not the guy i'm interested in. my biggest pet peve is a guy who likes me, or i'm dating, who wants me to teach them to surf. this ain't no blue crush set. i'm not that generous with my surf time and i don't enjoy watching someone i'm supposed make out with later look like a poached seal on a log look up at me with terrified, big, black eyes (this has happened).

the waves were huge and i charged them on my smaller board. almost ran someone over, grabbed my rails and like a skateboard edged just past, full speed. so exhilirating.

now i'm nervous for wednesday night. fuck i hate dates. fuck fuck fuck.

oh my gosh, i bought some new bath tub finger paints! dude, i decorated the shower with it. yum. peppermint flavored.

i wrote ben an email, saying that although i loved to hear from him at the holidays, that i'm not ready to be friends. i'm not ready. my heart is still in a vice gripe within his unknowing fist.

i love the fuck out of him.

is my holding on just some way for me to still go blind HERE.? by seeing only so far away, my eyes are shut to what is in front of me?

am i that afraid?

one of my jobs fell through, so i have to hit the streets and get another homebase. she gave me a weeks notice.

the accosting continues to happen. i literally don't know what the fuck, but guys are still dive bombing me. at the coffee house, some big jewish black son of a very important man who owns everything, decided that i was the lucky receipient of his spew of bullfuckingshit. what a fuckin waste of a good looking, young, well off man. he was so wrapped up in his him. he. just me. no one else but me, my money, my daddy, the college brother went to, some beach house, some company owned, my goals, goals goal, and by the way, he asked four times,'what do you do around here'. which i feverently changed the ssubject on principle alone.

then some persian dude, in a fully empty cafe, nearly sits on my lap and stares non stop at me till i couldn't focus on my work. then i got evil. he says to me as i'm getting up 'nice to meetch you' and (with my volume on my walkman secretly down low) i screamed, i can't hear you...louder he goes 'nice to meeeetch you' i'm slapping my minidisc, screaming louder, 'i'm sorry, i just can't hear you' while i'm now getting in his face until i had my goodtimes and was off like a rocket.

speaking of..that bush is a fuckin dim witted asshole. and the administration has downplayed his mastermind, on every board for every oil corp, i hate gays, opps my daughter is one,shhhhh, chump.

i'm not so sure i'm sane anymore. i'm growing more and more comfortable with speaking to myself aloud in public and making full stops to stare at street details, tree's whatever. i feel more and more that i am lost to the 'normal' world.