2003-01-01 - 4:44 a.m.

i'm eating life.

i'm eating life.

i'm eating life cereal not becuz i got up early for breakfast, but becuz i just got home for breakfast.

i'm not even sure i want to write about this night in here. but why not. something i love about this writing is how nude and terribly honest i get to be for people who don't know me at all, and yet know me intricately better than many.

i went to the normal party in malibu...borring. people dressed up, standing around semi awkwardly. the only piece i enjoyed was the surf video playing. ripping up the wave, flying through the air off the top. but that's not what you came to hear about!!

hold please, i need a cigarrettte....

i went to the 'sex' party. literally i've heard about these things for a while and never ever thought i'd find myself at one.

it really is exactly like 'they' say, only stickier.

at first it feels like a typical semi trashy club situation. i'm shuttled up to a 'mansion' to be greeted by a dance floor with tight black dresses, a short thai guy with a blinking red light in his mouth, but then you notice the pole dancing. you walk up stairs, to the notorious third floor and there the fuck it is.

people openly having sex. and i'm thinking I COULD NEVER. i could never indulge like that and have people watch. they are fuckin insane. and nearly sick.

if it isn't the pure skin that is the intrigue, it's the conversation. people are sprawled out on the floor, it looks like a nude game of twister. one is being banged, while she blows, while he fucks and she sucks. then someone will inevitably rise for air and introductions all the way around. it's after the damn sex that they finally get around to pleasantries. 'hello, i'm tammy.' then fully nude women will be waving to a friend walking past as if all this is normal at a house party. large rooms full of people, small nooks, an s and m red room, a bedroom with a couple going for every position possible...

we saw one couple in a group fight in the aftermath. he got jealous, how he found the time to be jealous amid all that cherry pie he was eating is beyond me.

my friend and i just grazed, watching room to room then dancing. it was a masaquerade theme, so i got to hide a bit in this luxurious black mask, with a dance of feathers.

we were nearly borred with it all when a couple started chatting us up. fast forward.

i've checked two fantasy's off the list.

asian and a three some.

she was a 25 yr old ivy league, tall, asian, scientist in a black one piece with diamonds dripping down her cheast and he, an attractive 35 year old with adorable dimples and complete sexy control and style.

i told them i would engage in light shenanagans.

i really didn't suspect i would engage, but as the opportunity almost walked out the door, i thought, damn, will i regret passing this up? will i always wonder? i'd be hitting up two real fantasies in one...or shall we say three? hahah.

it started with her and i kissing. neck's,lips, biting, feeling, up against the wall, hair tassling, grabbing. my friend and him watching. then friend left and the girl and i making out on the bed with him, um pleasing us both with his hands. my friend gaurded the door for us, although i'm wild, i am slightly discrete. before she gaurded it tho, some people watched and i understood how it can happen. your in rome, and you just don't care. we were making out and people a foot from us just blondly staring. watching every segment.

she was wild. took control. and i usually am more that one. i really have to say i liked the feeling of kissing a woman, and yet being pleased by a man, then he would rise up and kiss me and damn was he sexy. amazing and then it was even better. i didn't have sex with him.

but there was one moment i let myself really go, i figured, what the hell, i've gone this far, live out this fantasy. go there.

she and i were grinding he was doing something to her and i was saying something dirty. it was great to feel uninhibited and say what i wanted and spank what ass was near.

then i asked them to finish so that i could watch, while i kissed her.

double bonus is, they don't live in my lill village. east coasters. thx for sending them my way atlantic.

it is the three some i've always imagined, the only way i'd be convinced to do. attracted to both, liked both, felt safe, not with my boyfriend. that i wouldn't want to mix up. i don't think it ever works. and to ur dismay, this is a one time thing for me. have you ever had one?

my friend and i have seen eachother thro so many shenanigans. i can't imagine the toasts at eachothers weddings. that is if we are ever caught long enough to 'settle' down.

it feels so surreal to me right now. it's a secret to make me smile whenever anyone asks what i did for the new year.

bring it on 200..3.

cheers. u knew i wouldn't let you down.